Page 89 - The Intentional Parent

“If you and your sister can get along...” The goal you are setting here is improving civility. You are setting the standard to be MORE niceness.
It would be a far different instruction if the instruction were “If you don’t stop fighting you are both going to your room.” What you are asking for is LESS fighting and the way to AVOID having to go to your room is to stop fighting and of course, be nicer.
In practical parenting settings choosing whether to reward a behavior or set up a circumstance where you are teaching your kids that it is better to avoid a consequence.
I have a preference here, but in reality you have to know what motivates your kids. There are kids with very difficult temperaments who will only respond to threats of losing something. My preference is to keep kids motivated to achieve positive things when at all possible. It is a better leadership style to encourage a positive work ethic than it is to discipline by threat. I think there are enough natural consequences in the world to show kids that is wise to avoid unpleasant outcomes. This is one of those areas where parents have to to experiment to see what works best.
Teach Your Kids Reward Themselves Intrinsically
Intrinsic reward is another way of saying “self satisfaction.” With so much emphasis placed on the acquisition of material things, being “self satisfied,” is not a very valued trait. Doing something for the sake of being rewarded by the task itself is part of the foundation for good self esteem. In the next section we are going to explore the role of family leaders being good role models for a lot of
The Intentional Parent by Peter J. Favaro, Ph.D. 89