Page 35 - DINQ MAGAZINE NOVEMBER 2020 EDITION

ከበደ ኃይሌ ዓምድ
DATING CORNER

I (By Dr. Tseday) cause she’s let him come back over and
ple’s ultimate goal is to rekindle their
t is true that all couples
fight and I am not one to
flames and get back to harmonious ways,
over and over. So why would it be differ-
then not all is fair in love and war. Here
ent this time? This is my thought. Isn’t it
express an opinion in fa-
are few examples of seemingly benign
amazing that he needs a “neutral” person
vor or against couples hav-
ing disagreements. Person-
“neutral” person to tell him how to act like
vate practice that have ruined marriages
ally, I would rather they
a husband? Really? Is he trying to tell her
not fight, but no rational person— language that I have come across in pri- to tell him to Man-Up? He needs a
and relationships.
myself included—would ever advocate that that a “neutral” person was the key
that a relationship subsists without any 1. It doesn’t matter to me. ingredient that could straighten him up? So
disagreements because we all know it is 2. We always do what you want. all those years he failed to fulfill his obliga-
impossible to do so. But we can all 3. What’s it to you? tion as a husband and a father it was be-
agree that fights ought not be personal, 4. You did what you did, I’m gonna do cause he didn’t have a “neutral” person
and all of us need to learn how to fight what I’m gonna do telling him what to do? “Nice line!,” I’d
properly. Thus the first thing to do is .5. This is your 100th time say, but she’s bought this before. I told her
learn about the context of what is a .6. You’re not perfect either. this: “The ONLY time you even come
fight? There are two aspects of a fight: 7. I’ll let you know when I’m ready. close to considering taking him back into
(1) the disagreement about an issue, (2) 8. I’ve gotta go. Later. your home is when he has demonstrated
the verbal exchange with the other per- 9. Please don’t act like you care. he IS finally a man, NOT before. When he
son. These two aspects are unfortunate- 10.Just don’t tell me what to do. gets a job, gets his own place, pays his own
ly inseparable as couples cannot express rent, pays for his clothes, and feeds him-
disagreements without actually talking My hope is that we all learn how to self, you’ll consider. When he sets up a
to or dealing with one another. If there fight not against each other but about home neary by so that his children can see
was a way for a couple to fight and ulti- issues pertinent to the betterment of the him everyday, you’ll consider. When he
mately reach an agreement without ever relationship, and that we stay on topic comes by everyday to have dinner with his
having to talk to another, it would be without veering towards personal attacks. children, you’ll consider. When he supports
ideal and we would all welcome such In order to learn how to fight properly, the home financially, you’ll consider. When
technology. Until that day, we just have we need to anticipate when our language, he contributes in the care of the children,
to do it the old -fashioned way: with though colloquial in today’s parlance, you’ll consider.” He has to do all these, at
words; and hopefully we do it without gets more personal and less to the point. the very minimum, for two years BEFORE
using “fighting words.” My concern It may seem harmless at the beginning coming into the house. Then, and only
with couples fighting is that, instead of but such reasoning is a slippery slope then, should he be considered to return. In
fighting about a particular issue, they because it is inevitable that such personal the meantime, she ought not to sit around
end up fighting with each other. criticism could be a relationship-killer. waiting to see what may become of him.
She ought not put her life on hold for him.
When we fight with each other (not DON’T BE FOOL She finally got the Instead, she should continue with her cou-
about the issue) we say hurtful things courage to kick him out of the house. rageous journey of discovering her self and
that have nothing to do with the issue She is now working on herself, putting building herself from the ground up “CY”.
that started the fight initially. At the end together her life. So the other day, he …stay strong.
the fight gets ugly and it simply be- says to her, “I’m willing to talk to a
comes about “who can hurt the other “neutral” person and work on our rela- Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and
the most?” And if that is the case, then tionship.” He told her he wants to re- one of the country's leading experts in mar-
people feel compelled to retaliate by turn. Really? He wants to come back to riage, relationships, and self development.
saying cruel, atrocious and hurtful the comfort and warmth of her home She advocates a unique and at times con-
things about each other whereby they and “work it out?” Is he kiddin’? Does troversial approach to the dynamics of
feel vindicated because as the saying he not know that he has to grow up first marriage and personal development, the
goes: “all is fair in love and war.” How- before he comes back? On second necessary element for a successful relation-
ever, after a legitimate fight, if a cou- thought.…No, he doesn’t know this be- ship

DINQ MEGAZINE November 2020 STAY SAFE 35