Page 9 - Time to Live Your Dreams_Directory

PB TIME TO LIVE TIME TO LIVE 9
YOUR DREAMS YOUR DREAMS

DEFENSES
DEFENSES 1

Most people have been hurt in If, for example, you were
interpersonal relationships. With raised by parents or caretakers
time and painful experiences, we all who were negligent or cold, you
risk building up varying degrees of may grow up feeling distrusting of
bitterness and becoming defended. affection. You may feel suspicious
This process begins long before of people who show “too much”
we start dating, in our childhoods, interest in you and instead,
when hurtful interactions and you seek out relationships that
dynamics lead us to put up walls recreate dynamics from your past.
or perceive the world through a You may then choose a partner
filter that can negatively impact us who is aloof or distant. It isn’t
as adults. These adaptations can always easy to see when we have
cause us to become increasingly our defenses up. As a result, we
self-protective and closed off. In tend to blame our singleness
our adult relationships, we may on external forces and fail to
resist being too vulnerable or write recognize that we aren’t as open
people off too easily. as we think.

2 UNHEALTHY ATTRACTIONS

When we act on our defenses, their childhoods. These may be
we tend to choose less-than-ideal unpleasant, but breaking with old
relationship partners. We may patterns can cause us a great deal
establish an unsatisfying relationship ofanxiety and discomfort and make
by selecting a person who isn’t us feel strangely alien and alone in
emotionally available. Because this a more loving environment.
process is largely unconscious, Our fears of parting with the
we often blame our partner for the image we developed of ourselves
relationship’s failed outcome. We early on and starting to see
tend to feel devastated or hurt by ourselves in a more positive light
the repeated rejections without paradoxically make us feel uneasy
recognizing that we are actually and may trigger self-attacking
seeking out this pattern. thoughts like, “Who do you think
Why do we do this? The you are? You’re not that great.”
reasons are complex and often These fears may cause us to
based on our own embedded fears hold on to relationships without
of intimacy. Many people have potential or to feel attracted to
an unconscious motivation people who aren’t really available,
to seek out relationships that because they reinforce our
reinforce critical thoughts they negative image of ourselves,
have long had toward themselves which feels more comfortable and
and replay negative aspects of familiar, albeit painful.