Page 294 - ILIAS ATHANASIADIS AKA RO1

When it comes to sex with strangers, the truth is our fantasies are often more

exciting than reality.

If you are looking for validation (who isn’t?) then you might want to take some
time to explore what is missing in that sphere. Do you and your partner validate

each other regularly? If not, why not?

Many gay men have an unmet need to be validated as sexual beings. Most of us
spent puberty and beyond feeling that something was wrong with our LGBTQ

sexuality. So we can be especially hungry for messages that remind us that we are
sexually desirable.

How do you merge your need for validation and your desire for monogamy? You

create relationships with your partner and friends that are abundant with mutual
validation.

You develop your talents and skills at work and in hobbies. You confront and

soften your inner critic (see my September 2011 “Secrets of the Inner Critic”
article) so that you get a steady stream of self-validation.

And perhaps, after discussing it with your partner, you engage in eye contact and

light flirtation with other men.

This allows you get much of the benefit of an open relationship (validation)
without the drawbacks (hurt feelings, disappointing sex, and the risk of exposure
to sexually transmitted diseases) that can accompany hook ups.

It also brings “out of the closet” a universal truth: we all appreciate looking at

beauty in its many forms.

While you won’t find much talk about it on Grindr or Manhunt or at most gay
bars, many gay men prefer monogamy. If you haven’t found a man willing to join

you in your desire for monogamy then you may be looking in the wrong places.

You’ll find them volunteering at gay community organizations, finding
inspiration at gay cultural events, or building their skills at gay recreational or

educational clubs.