Page 46 - WhoAreWe...

really analyze the situation, you will see that your negative
feelings are not having a whole lot of effect on the person
who has wronged you or anyone else, but in fact YOU are
the one who is still suffering the most. This is because hate
always hurts the hater more than the hated. So what do you
do?

Just like the previously discussed situation, it is time to do
the hard work and take the time and energy to learn what
might have caused this person to do such a bad thing, and
try to understand, even though it was so wrong, why the
heck they might have done what they did. There is usually
a reason, but please keep in mind here that these reasons
are NOT excuses, and the difference is extremely important.

Excuses relieve one from culpability and accountability and
someone with an actual excuse does not need to be forgiven
so that is not what we are talking about here. Reasons are
the things that help us understand a person's problem and
realize that the person in question may have been
compromised in some way that caused the transgression,
and give us an opportunity to not be consumed by lifelong
hatred and resentment because of it.

I know that the idea of going out your you way to try to
make the effort to understand someone who has hurt you is
a difficult thing to do, and it most likely will feel totally
against your initial feelings, which will be leaning toward
payback and revenge. But I can guarantee you that if you
take the time to ferret out the actual reasons that may have
caused this person to do what they did, even if they are bad
reasons, and even though it was horribly wrong, that you
will feel the anger and resentment calmly fade away and a
wonderful feeling of calmness and peace will come over
you, enabling you to truly, deeply, forgive.

43