Page 36 - flip book- How To Survive Baby Loss

How To Survive Baby Loss

never had, or ever will with Garren. But, unlike those
other fathers, I’m not angry at God. I’m not angry at
anyone about Garren dying. I know that God has a
plan in Garren’s death, and that it is not a punishment
for me or Andrea that he died. Pain is no measure of
God’s faithfulness. But, just because I’m not angry
doesn’t mean I’m not deeply hurting inside. I’m hurt-
ing, I just don’t know how to say it out loud. Son, I
dreamed of life with you, and now I live days without you.
I waited 9 months for life to change, and it did! Just not the
way I wanted. I know you’re in heaven and Jesus is looking
after you. You have the best Heavenly Father! I’m so thank-
ful for that. But your daddy just misses you tonight. I love
you Garren! I will always love you. I hope you are sleeping
well in the arms of Jesus. Let’s hope I get some sleep too.

I love you to the moon and all the way back down to the
dirt.”—Jay, father of Heavenly Garren James

After some time went by, Garren’s mother wrote this entry:

My Precious Garren,

For two years I’ve known about you. Every day for two years, I
have thought about you. Every day for two years I have longed to see
you - alive and healthy. First, an eager longing, waiting for your grand
arrival into the world. In a millisecond that eager longing changed.
Drastically. The longing became a heart-wrenching ache. The ache is
still here. The longing is still here. I long to hold you. I long to kiss
you. I long to hear your voice - the one that would giggle, or squeal, or
scream, or cry. The little-boy voice that might be jabbering, practicing,
and learning new words every day. I long to give you butterfly kisses
and imagine butterfly kisses from you as you grow up - with those
long eyelashes, just like Daddy’s. I long to see the sparkle in your
blue eyes - those eyes that I will see for the first time on the day I get
to heaven. I long to tickle your toes - those long toes, just like mine.
I long to chase you around a playground and take walks with you in
the stroller. I long to see you sitting at the dinner table with us, trying
new and exciting foods for the first time and even making a mess of it

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