Page 15 - Cindy Salas Murphy San Diego Woman Magazine

Women of Distinction

Before making that decision to leave help of therapy and a lot of in-depth reading there are value conflicts. Those are all the
work, Dr. Kerr had spoken to many moms on the subject, I started to realize that I felt things that affect moms and, those are the
who went through the same situation, so inadequate because I was not meeting things that aren't in our control. We don't
and they often shared identical feelings to the expectation in my mind of what type of control the fact that we are not paid and
hers. “I spoke with one colleague who had parent I wanted to be and at the time I didn’t promoted equally. And so that's what I've
moved on from a full-time position to start know any other way of being a parent.” come to realize. We need solutions that are
her own business. I was curious what her Dr. Kerr learned through coaching and individual, organizational, and cultural be-
defining moment was when she decided studying her son’s unique way of learning cause we simply must change the societal
to leave her job. She said that she knew it that part of the problem was understand- expectations for moms.”
was time to move on when she found her- ing how to communicate effectively with Dr. Kerr made it clear when she pointed
self crying on the way to work. At the time, him. “His brain works differently from mine, out how advertisements often represent
when I asked her, I wasn’t at that point, so I and we would often have crossed wires in moms as superheroes when in reality it's
figured I was still okay. But it wasn’t too long our communication. I learned to think out- such a lonely place to be and you feel guilty
before things changed. I was crying on the side of my head, and to let go of being this all the time. Women deserve equal pay and
way to work and, crying on the way home sort of controlling parent. When I started to promotion opportunities and for those in
too because both places made me feel so read about how I could be a better manager,
inadequate.” I realized that these things make it hard for
Working moms are often faced with the moms to be managers in the first place. So
fact that they are completing a lot of differ- I learned about the maternal wall, I learned
ent tasks but feel as if they are not great at about the motherhood penalty versus the
any of them. “I was just feeling like a bad fatherhood bonus and I just started sort of
mom, a bad wife, a bad friend, a bad col- feeling this outrage. This led me to read
league, and a bad manager. This is a tough about burnout and suddenly it all clicked.
position to be in, but it wasn’t until after- I finally realized that this was the answer. I
ward when I started to read and learn more wasn’t losing my mind. I wasn’t a bad mom
about what I was going through, that I real- or researcher or wife I was struggling with
ized that I needed to ease up on myself. I had burnout.”
never considered myself a perfectionist, but Coming from this public health perspec-
I realize that was exactly what I was and why tive Dr. Kerr started to truly understand the
this mindset was causing me such anguish. obstacles that existed for other moms in

I knew I wasn’t perfect but when I read the my same situation. “I realized that it went
definition, I realized that this was what I al- beyond learning to be less of a perfection-
ways strove to become. A perfectionist is ist. I realized that the workplaces needed
often an individual who never felt good to change. I very much see it as this equity
enough. This is when I put a lot of work into issue because that's the biggest difference.
myself and my relationships. I learned a lot Yes. Anyone male or female can experience
about how I could be a different sort of par- job burnout from the perspective of being
ent. I think that was a big part of it for me exhausted and overworked. But the other
when I became a mother, I had an unrealistic reasons for burnout are; when there's a lack
view of what a mother should be. With the of reward, when there's injustice, or when

power to not hire a single man or woman
over a mom, because they fear that 100% of
their dedication could not possibly go into
their work life. The reality is that often the
mom is the more diligent worker and man-
ages time better than anyone young and
inexperienced. Think about all of the actual
skills that go into being a mom, most com-
panies should be thrilled to have this type of
individual on their team.
Dr. Kerr admits that she is seeing some
action in a positive direction. “There are
many companies doing diversity equity in-
clusion initiatives, but it is so closely tied to
mental health that approaching the two is-
sues together will make the combined task
more important. There are more guidelines
available now informing us what we need to
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