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Once this belief is accepted in her mind, it will lead to a change in behaviour from that day. She
will believe she is only pretty and worthy of praise when winning or standing out from the crowd.

From that day onward, that small child may be conditioned with the belief that could influence
all her later interactions in life. Every human being wants to be loved unconditionally, looking
pretty or not, performing well or not. In this example, it would not be surprising to discover the
child grows into an adult with a tendency to perfectionism, constantly seeking approval to
validate her need for self worth.

Imagine the father of that child, proudly boasting to his friends that his daughter could be a
professional dancer or a model, but then following it up with “forget how she looks today, she
hasn’t washed her hair and she has a few spots. When she dances she looks beautiful and she’s
my darling”.
The poor girl is too young to analyse the situation fully and believes she is only acceptable and
praiseworthy when performing well and looking her best. The father has applied conditional
love, albeit unknowingly, that until corrected by the child as she becomes an adult, will affect
her beliefs about herself and the behaviours she will adopt and the outcomes she will achieve.

Some may say this would be good for the childs’ self discipline. If the child were able to
differentiate between being loved unconditionally and being loved for her beauty and
performance, this would be fine, but very few children are born with this natural ability and
wisdom. Who of us can say that we have not made similar mistakes with our children at some
time or another?
Between the ages of one and eighteen, we are told “No” on average five times daily and
positive things on average, four times a year. What type of conditioning is that? What
consequences should we expect?

For an example of how beliefs can affect our outcomes, here is an excellent story told by Sir
Kenneth Robinson CBE, a British author, speaker and international advisor on education in the
arts to government, non-profits, education and arts bodies. Ken tells of conducting research for
a book on how people discover their talents and speaking to a famous choreographer, a lady
called Gillian.

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ĚĂŶĐĞƌ͍Η
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