Page 143 - The Freckled Eye - Book

Christmas plans weren't set yet. Since we'd had Christmas at my Dad’s last
year, it would probably be held at my brother’s house in San Ramon. With all
that had gone on this year, I really didn’t want to do that. I had vowed to
myself, last year, that I wanted to be in the snow ever year, not just the years
at Dad’s. But how was I going to make that happen?

Since my eye procedure had gotten pushed back to December and I’d been
running around all of November traveling, to and from the hospital, I knew I
didn’t want to be rushing around at Christmas time. I wanted to be in the
snow, in my snow globe, even if it meant I was going to be by myself.

I wasn’t going to leave here this year. This was going to be really hard for me
to do. I’d never had Christmas without my mother or my brother for that
matter. My brother and his family were having Christmas at his house and
since my mom lived there now, she’d probably stay there with them. This was
breaking my heart, but I had to do it. I had to do what was best for
me. However, this was another obstacle I needed to overcome and because
of my eye, this was going to be the catalyst to help me find the strength to do
what I needed to do. I’m thankful for this eye procedure in a weird way. As I
write this, I get so emotional. I was finally finding the power within myself to
do what I wanted, no matter what.

It’s not that my family ever pushed me, but somehow, I had taken the role
since I was a little girl, that everyone elses needs should come first. This type
of thinking was something I needed to break free from. It too, is not healthy
and has held me back from living the life I wanted to at times. In a way, this
experience was helping me clean house and move forward, putting myself
first. I needed to do this, so that I could really heal myself. It was time to fill
my soul with as much happiness as I possible could this Christmas, even if it
meant my family couldn’t be here.