Page 151 - The Freckled Eye - Book

Wow, did that feel amazing. I wasn’t 100%, but I knew things would get
better. Back up the ski lift we went. This time I was more into my head. Thinking about
all that had transpired with my eye, there were so many thoughts and fears about me
not being able to do what I had done before. I felt my eyes tearing up and start running
down my face. I was so happy and filled with relief. Then the sun started to peak out. I
was going to be ok. No matter what. Jay gave me a loving squeeze on my shoulder
and then we were back at the top of the mountain. We decided to take a picture to
remember this special day.

Down the hill, we went. But this time we shot off into the trees. It wasn’t the
best of powder days, but it was still dog gone good to be in there. It felt
amazing. I took it slow, but maneuvered through, testing how my eye saw the
trees, and the different shadows. There is a difference. I just know I need to
be careful… which was just fine with me. I was back in the powder! It was
amazing to be back on the mountain. It's a day I’ll never forget.

Over the next couple of months, I continued to push myself to get back to
normal. I felt physically fine, but my emotional state was fragile. I struggled
from time to time. There were several mornings that I’d wake up, go down to
the fire, turn the Christmas tree lights on and shed a few tears. Thoughts
about my eye kept coming up. I hadn’t seen a doctor since my surgery, so I
didn’t know how things were going. Did the radiation work? Is the tumor still
growing? Will my eye sight slowly go away? Then I’d have the bigger
thoughts. What if this is the bad cancer? What if I only have a few years to
live? What if I was one of the people that got the rare eye cancer that
metastasizes? What if this was my last Christmas or my last Christmas in the
snow? All those thoughts would come in, flooding me with emotion. The not
knowing which eye cancer was scary, but it was my choice not to have the
biopsy and not take on any additional risk. I still would make the same
decision, but it does have residual effects on your mental state.