Page 17 - The Freckled Eye - Book

Two years seemed to come and go. Our lease was coming up at the San
Ramon apartment. I’d been struggling inside, not feeling happy there. I was
disconnected from everything. Though my family was there, it was not where
I wanted to be. I’d stayed there as long as I could. I wasn’t happy.

After some tearful nights, I finally shared my feelings with my mom again. I
felt like I was dying inside, I couldn’t explain it. I was so disconnected from
anything that made me happy. I felt terrible telling her that, because I just
wanted her to be happy and safe. She really liked our place and was happy
to be close to my brother. I told her I just couldn’t do it there anymore, and I
needed to find somewhere else, not in San Ramon. She knew I was having a
hard time, not sleeping and just unhappy all together. I was also struggling
with hormones, making me all over the board emotionally.

I had no idea what I wanted. The only place I knew that made me happy was
Tahoe. It was like a second home to me, where I felt comfortable. I’d been
going there all my life, on vacations. It would be an easy transition.

Mom was so wonderful, as she always was, and said it would be ok for her to
live with my brother, while I got things situated. It was one of the hardest
decisions of my life. Again, the guilt I felt was overwhelming. I felt like I was
failing her, because I knew that her living with my brother and his family
wasn’t going to be easy and that’s not what she really wanted. It took
everything I had to make that decision, but I had to do it. I had to save my life.

After we came to that decision, we started getting ready for our next
move. During the next three months, mom and I started packing. We’d need
to get my brothers place ready for her and I needed to figure out what I was
going to do with the apartment furniture and my huge storage shed filled with
all my stuff from my home before. I was in limbo. Moving was going to be a
nightmare, but I had to do it!

I remember telling my sister in law’s sister, Aunty Paula, about my struggles
during this time. She sent me this poem that was so perfect. I got a bit
choked up when I read it. No, let me be really honest... I balled my eyes
out. It was as if these were my words.

‘THE JOURNEY’
BY MARY OLIVER