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PARENTING & RELATIONSHIPS GENERAL INTEREST

Dr. David S Ribner

and moments in which to invest In addition, some parents may have religious, the social, the emo-
time and energy. Personal satis- fallen into a sense of complacency, tional and the physical.
faction allows for giving others assuming they are exempt from this
significant parallel opportunities. responsibility, naively and incorrectly • If your child refuses to talk with
assuming that this knowledge gap will you, try this, “It’s my job and
• Self-awareness – Gradually know- be filled by school-based programs important to me that I share this
ing and understanding oneself or premarital madrichim. When we information. We don’t have to
cognitively and emotionally mark abrogate this parental task, we risk discuss it now, but you need to
various stages of maturity into children becoming confused and listen.”
adulthood. Mastering this pro- poorly educated.
cess further grants each family • One final point, if the first con-
member greater insight into the As with emotional intimacy, we share versation you have with your chil-
lives of others, their hopes, expec- here some guidelines to assist par- dren about physical intimacy is
tations, fears and doubts. ents in discussing the physical side of when you discover they have seen
marriage: inappropriate Internet content,
Every family’s journey is different and • Our sense of sexuality is much you have not fulfilled your paren-
each journey requires adaptation to more than biology or physiology. tal responsibility.
life’s changes and challenges, with It includes how we and the world
a primary goal being preparing our around us see ourselves and each This is by no means an easy task, and
children for intimate relationships. other, and how we determine and to the detriment of our children and
Our focus above has been on the respond to gender roles. their development as healthy mar-
elements of emotional intimacy, but ital partners, few parents enter this
we should feel equally tasked with • Make sure you are both on the unnecessarily feared realm with grace
preparing our children for physical same page and are clear about and confidence. Perhaps the follow-
intimacy as well. These two facets of your own values and expectations ing excerpt may somewhat ease these
adult, marital intimacy – emotional before talking with your kids. hesitations:
and physical – clearly cannot exist as • In this world of unrelenting con- “There are young people who do not
separate realms and thus both require founding media inputs, parents know how to observe the mitzvah of
our active guidance as parents. must be proactive to counter Onah (marital relations)… because, to
misinformation and unhealthy
As a general approach, we should note our great sorrow and distress, in our
that the core values and behavioral messages. We are our children’s time the inner bonds between father
cultural interpreters, and if par-
expectations that guide our day-to- ents are silent, children will not and son, and mother and daughter,
day interactions have equal applica- develop the values they need to have been sundered… matters of inti-
tion in the bedroom. Making space make responsible decisions. macy and knowledge of the private
for others in our lives, respecting matters that transpire between hus-
boundaries, sensitivity, supporting • Stop talking in code or meta- band and wife… in previous gener-
each other’s individuality and seeking phors. Children are naturally ations were transmitted from father
to develop together are all qualities curious and need accurate defi- to son and from mother to daugh-
which enhance a future couple’s inti- nitions, facts and guidance. Be ter with love… (Sefer Kedushah, as
mate life just as much as they enhance aware that your language conveys quoted in Marital Intimacy by A.P.
our communal and familial fabric. values and judgment. Friedman)
An initial issue of course is parental • Parents need to define and set I am grateful to Talli Y. Rosenbaum for
comfort level. Well-meaning parents adequate, reasonable limits. her editorial and content suggestions.
may hesitate to raise issues with their Limits are essential to a child’s
children regarding physical intimacy sense of security, and be pre-
due to embarrassment, anxiety about pared for adjustments as children Dr. David S Ribner, a certified sex therapist,
mature.
the response of their children (who earned his Smicha and MSW degree from
Yeshiva University and his doctorate from
all are certain their parents know less • Messages about marital intimacy Columbia University. His latest book, co-au-
than they do), feeling uncertain in must also include emphasis on thored with Talli Rosenbaum, is “I Am For My
a rapidly changing world or simply the broader relationship context, Beloved: a guide to enhanced intimacy for
lacking communication tools. a context which includes the married couples.”

Marriage is a journey across an unknown land with nothing to
protect you from the elements except one another. | 53
RABBI SACKS