Page 56 - HaMizrachi Purim Australia 5781

GENERAL INTEREST PARENTING

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz

Helping Your Challenging Teen

woman called to discuss to go. Each time she reminded him of • Do not beat up on yourselves as
her concerns regarding her this painful fact, she was inadvertently parents (where did we go wrong?).
A 17-year-old son. She described causing him needless anguish, and This will accomplish nothing pro-
his downward slide throughout his high adding to the chasm that exists between ductive. The brutal reality is that
school years, the “bad friends,” the con- them. His antisocial behavior just might these situations arise in every type
stant bickering with his parents over be his clumsy response to his percep- of home and at every income level.
dozens of issues large or small, the ten- tion (real or imagined) that our society More importantly, doing this in
sion and friction with his siblings, being has rejected him. front of your son will only add to
asked to leave the four yeshivas that he his feeling of inadequacy.
had attended during those three years... Some Pointers for Parents • After some time has passed, and
Now he had hit rock bottom. • Ein chavush matir atzmo mibeit you have established a working
asurim (a prisoner cannot extract
He sleeps until noon, “hangs around himself from his bondage without relationship, collaboratively work
the house” until suppertime, then, with the assistance of others). Consider with him on a set of house rules
a curt farewell, leaves the house. He finding a mentor for your child – an for him regarding his leaving and
returns in the early hours of the morn- educator or layperson – to whom returning home at night. You
ing, goes to sleep, and begins the day in your child can confide. Few teenag- might be pleasantly surprised by
the same fashion as the previous ones. ers, even in the best of situations, his response.
Any attempt by his parents to deter- can do this with their parents. • Explain to him that you are willing
mine where or with whom he is spend- • Establish an ongoing dialogue with to make some accommodations to
ing his time is met with a disrespectful him. That includes, but should not meet the needs of his current life-
or downright rude retort.
be limited to, serious discussions style. However, ask him to under-
“Rabbi Horowitz,” she cried, “What about present yeshiva and/or work stand that you have other children,
should I do?!” possibilities, aspirations for the parents, etc., and that he should be
future, etc. considerate of that reality as well.
I began by asking the woman how many
times she had asked her son, that day, • Never discuss serious issues during If you are unhappy with the music
any of the following questions: an argument. he listens to, for example, ask him
to close the door to his room, and
“Why aren’t you going to yeshiva?” • Never, ever, engage in vicious, per- insist that he wear headphones
sonal attacks on your son’s friends
“Why are you wasting your time?” while the music is playing.
when their names come up during
“When are you finally going to do an argument. Firstly, despite your • Finally, try to play the long game.
something with your life?” instructions to the contrary, every The vast majority of these teens
She hesitantly answered “About 10 or word you utter will unquestionably outgrow this temporary stage
in their lives. Your son may not
15 times.” be repeated to that friend. You
will have earned yourself a sworn become everything you had orig-
15 x 6 (days) equals 90 comments per enemy at a time when you need inally hoped for him, but he will,
week. 90 x 6 weeks totals 540 hurtful every ally you can get. Additionally, with the help of G-d, grow to be
attacks on her son’s self- confidence. I bear in mind that at this stage in a wonderful adult – a source of
explained to the woman that although your son’s life, he is more closely nachat to himself, to you and to
her son’s disrespectful behavior is inex- aligned with his friends than he is Klal Yisrael.
cusable, she ought to keep in mind that with you. By attacking his friends, Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is an educator,
he is in as much agony as she is, perhaps you are positioning them – and him author, and child safety advocate. He con-
more so. He feels that no yeshiva actu- – on the opposing side of a very ducts parenting workshops in Jewish com-
ally wants him, and that he has nowhere formidable fence. munities around the world.

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