Page 34 - Now We're Talking!

Itching for a Bitching

By Maxine Higgins

Titch was a tiny girl. She looked like delicate china but her soft, pastel-like appearance wasn’t a reflection
of her true self. She had a dark side. She shielded this side of herself because she wanted teachers to be
easy on her. So, she behaved and she also wanted them to like her. Seeing the trouble her peers got into,
when they didn’t apply by the school rules, was something she didn’t want.
Titch’s peers were dead to her. She only spoke to teachers. Their positive feedback was more satisfying to
her than making friends or eating Haribo Starmix. Titch wasn’t susceptible to answering questions
incorrectly in class. Each time she did: the sclera of her eyes would turn from white to a deep – rich red
colour and goodness help the person who gave the correct answer to the question. She hated when her
peers laughed at her. She would bitch about them in her head for weeks because of how it irritated her.
But she couldn’t let go of this, nor come to terms with the fact that her classmates answering questions
correctly instead of herself wasn’t a personal attack, but an illusion.
The person who outsmarted her in class was a boy named Matty; he wasn’t the sharpest pencil in the
box. The fact that he was no rocket scientist, made her being outsmarted by him feel like she had been
stung by a bee.

When everyone was out to lunch, she snuck back to class. She was seeking for a way to get back at him.
Once back in class, she found Matty’s marked test paper (that hadn’t yet been filed away). She skimmed
through it with glee, looking for evidence of his stupidity and she was sure to find as he had a senseless
wooden brain. She came across what she was seeking, a question he had got wrong and made a mental
note of it. She then pondered on how she was going to use this to her advantage later. This sinister
craftsmanship of hers was well thought-out.

Back in class, once everyone had settled in their seats, Titch asked her teacher if she could share a joke.
This wasn’t unusual as every day after lunch “talk time” was carried out before the lesson started.
“Miss, can I share a joke with the class?” Shock filled the room as all the children looked at each other
with dropped jaws, even sleepy Johnny woke up immediately!

Titch was talking to the class; this was something she never did.

“Yes, you may,” replied her teacher, Mrs White, who was happy to hear that Titch wanted to share a joke
with the other children.

She began, “Bob has 36 candy bars. He eats 29. How many does he have?” ‘’7!” someone called out.

‘’But how is that a joke?” said sleepy Johnny, for once not sleeping in class and contributing. “It sounds
more like a maths question to me,” he said.

“Exactly…,” said Titch, “but Matty’s answer on the test paper was that Bob had diabetes.’’

The whole class gave out a great big laugh. “Good one!” someone shouted. Mrs White grew a smile on
her face, trying hard not to let it show.
Matty was reduced to the size of ant and the sound that emitted from his mouth was like a pack of
howling wolves as he ran out of class. Mrs white ran after him.

Whilst the class was still in laughter, Titch said softly, ‘’ that’s the joke.”

Maxine, English Functional Skills, KW

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