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to work with her needs too. (AND MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS YOU WANT TO WORK WITH HER NEEDS). And if you see her protectors come out then BACK OFF. Wait for a better time (maybe even another day) and try again – gently. I believe this is a wound that will heal over time for Jenni if she has a partner who is willing to put a lot of extra love and care into guarding her wound. Jenni IS SO WORTH IT and is ENOUGH. Make that fucking clear and she will be loyal to you for life.
Communication:
Do not ask accusatory questions. If you feel yourself getting angry, stop the conversations. Do not use “you” statements and blaming statements. Take responsibility for your side of the street. Add a ton of positive comments to your conversations to balance out the harder stuff. DO NOT SHAME HER. Don’t putz around – remember to have content when you speak! Work on your meditation practice and adding more pause before speaking to her about hard stuff or hell, even the light stuff! Don’t not curse at her, mock her, or act like an authority figure to her – all of this hurts her deeply and her protectors WILL come out. Know that when you are in “wound territory” she will likely trigger at first – when you see her trigger BACK OFF. It isn’t that you necessarily did anything wrong but the topic in itself is enough of a reason to trigger. Don’t cut her off in mid sentence during a hard convo. Give her more even more space for her to formulate her thoughts and not feel like she has to stay up with your pace. Everyone is different. If she says she isn’t ready to talk about it, stop asking about it. If you don’t understand what she is doing, before making an assumption, ask her about it coming from a place of wonder. Interrupt escalations in convos and it is ok to be humorous about how you do it!
If you get nothing else out of this know this: She is putty in your hands if you treat her with kindness, listen to her no, keep her apt in order, show up when you say you will, be impeccable with your words and actions, and let her know that she isn’t too hard, she is worth, and she is the best partner you could have because her lovin is so good.
Good luck. I am jealous.
-D