Page 282 - Bridget Jones's Diary - by Helen FIELDING

Nightmare day. Having first expected Mum back last night, then this morning,
then this afternoon and having almost set off to Gatwick a total of three times, it
turned out she was arriving this evening at Luton, under police escort. Dad and I
were preparing ourselves to comfort a very different person from the one we had

last been told off by, naively assuming that Mum would be chastened by what

she had gone through 'Let go of me, you silly billy,' a voice rang out through
the arrival lounge. 'Now we're on British soil I'm certain to be recognized and I
don't want everyone seeing me being manhandled by a policeman. Ooh, d'you
know? I think I've left my sun hat on the airplane under the seat.'

The two policemen rolled their eyes as Mum, dressed in a sixties-style black-
and-white checked coat (presumably carefully planned to coordinate with the
policemen), head scarf and dark glasses, zoomed back towards the baggage hall
with the officers of the law wearily tagging after her. Forty-five minutes later

they were back. One of the policemen was carrying the sun hat.

There was nearly a stand-up fight when they tried to get her into the police
car. Dad was sitting in the front of his Sierra in tears and I was trying to explain
to her that she had to go to the station to see whether she was going to be

charged with anything, but she just kept going, 'Oh, don't be silly, darling. Come
here. What have you got on your face? Haven't you got a tissue?'

'Mum,' I remonstrated as she took a handkerchief out of her pocket and spat
on it. 'You might be charged with a criminal offense,' I protested as she started to
dab at my face. 'I think you should go quietly to the station with the policemen.'

'We'll see, darling. Maybe tomorrow when I've cleaned out the vegetable
basket. I left two pounds of King Edwards in there and I bet they've sprouted.
Nobody's touched the plants, apparently, the entire time I've been away, and I
bet you anything Una's left the heating on.'

It was only when Dad came over and curtly told her the house was about to be
repossessed, vegetable basket included, that she shut up and huffily allowed
herself to be put in the back of the car next to the policeman.