Page 46 - Gary's Book - Final Copy 7.9.2017_Active

for instead of beaten or unaccepted and looked down upon as scum or white trash.
Where was this God of good tidings and great joy?

If God speaks to us through channels other than the Bible and the church, then I
think he speaks to us largely through what happens to us. But I must keep my heart
and mind and ears open and listen with patience and hope. As a young boy, I
sensed the world was a fearful place, and I was on my own to find my way through

it. I began to seek out someone I could identify with or desired to be like, not
necessarily idolized, but to related to. I found out that life is not a list of
propositions but a series of dramatic scenes. The world to me was dangerous and
unpredictable, so I felt I had better hunker down and survive by taking limited risks

and protecting myself even if it meant walking away from my dreams.

My individualism started during my early childhood because my parents were so
emotionally absent. I had no birthday celebrations or Santa Claus gifts or vacation
trips. These experiences made me begin to live with deep apprehension. I asked,
“Do you really care for me, God?” I just could not create a spiritual pilgrimage.
What was I to make of why God was allowing these things to happen to me? I once

read in Job 3:25 (NIV), “What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has
happened to me.” I was God-fearing but could not clearly define whether his love
was translated in my life; I did not feel His peace and safety. I continued to seek
God through prayer. Life became a fairy tale. Was there a difference between
“Once Upon a Time” and “In the Beginning?”

What was to become of my identity in life? What was to be my relationship with

God? I thought such thoughts as, “You are on your own,” “I will not need anybody
deeply,” “I can make it without love,” or “I should not expect to acquire the love I
want.” What about this love from God? A counselor once told me to read 1 John
4:7 (NIV), which says, “Love comes from God.”

As I think about His love and those words from 1 John, a new thought comes to
my heart: I have the love I wanted all my life - the love of my wife, her family, and

my kids. As I get older, I know I am just getting closer to home. I have always
prayed for God’s guidance and have tried to do God’s will, not mine, and when I
have self-doubt, I’ve tried to find and release renewed confidence.

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