Page 45 - Gary's Book - Final Copy 7.9.2017_Active

Is He There?

Throughout my life, I wondered if I had a relationship with God; I desired such,
but did He? What was my purpose? What is my purpose? I still don’t know. It

would be so gratifying to know - to feel I made it - to know that I pleased God.

I have often compared my life as a child, adult, community member, businessman,
and family man against my lifestyle, behaviors, and actions toward others. I have
always been appreciative of gifts or “supposed blessings” but always felt I was at
the bottom of the barrel. During difficult times, I kept a smile on my face and

offered kind words to peers and colleagues; I projected a false inner satisfaction
while I felt like a misfit. I still feel this way somewhat because when I put forth the
maximum effort in mind and body and fall short in acquiring rewards in
comparison to others, I ponder what are blessings. Supposedly, we will be
rewarded according to our labor on earth. Not so. I felt less fortunate as a child in
that my mother gave me away. Also, I had to work so hard in college instead of

being in sports like some of the others. I would have liked to have gone to a larger
university. I was always in the back row of life. Life for me was unfortunate and
full of so many negatives and misgivings that I felt I often ended up in quicksand.

Some of my largest negative impacts have been encountered with those who
profess to be Christians. Several people I have worked for and with professed

Christianity but did not act and spend their lives as such. The greatest hardship has
come from financial advisors, friends, and business partners. I have been denied
employment because of appearing to be too Christian-like or too soft. Financially, I
have lost $500,000 to $800,000 in the two stock market crashes and have not made
any gains on six houses due to short term tenure in the area. I do not play the
lottery because I am waiting for some of those blessings. If my brother and sisters
and I were such blessings, then why did our mother forego raising us when Dad

died?

It was only after being placed in foster homes, an orphanage, or longer-stay homes
that I was introduced to religion. Wherever I was living, that was the church that I
attended. All said that God was real and provided blessings, and we all had a
purpose; I am still seeking mine. At age ten, all I wanted was to be loved and cared

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