Page 107 - Student: dazed And Confused

THE BIG 'C'

ONE

Are you really ready for a relationship? What kind of coffee are you? Test your powers of
attraction. Listen to your rhythm. Do you want to find your true colour? Fuck, I'm so glad

I'm not a bird. Or gay. Yeah, I bet all the gays have to read this shit. Like a girly test or
something. I did one of these things one time, some compatibility test Laura got from
Cosmopolitan or Manhattan or something. If I was naming a magazine after a cocktail, it'd
be a good one like Screwdriver.
Name - Jay Carter. Age - 27. Fair enough, yeah? But then it was asking all this stuff
about her, like her favourite song and what desserts she liked. How am I gonna know any of
that? I mean do I look like a conversational bloke? I could have told them whether she likes
to be on top in bed but no! It has to be about talking and sharing and being open with all
this feelings bollocks. Oh and the best one, yeah: Is your partner truly happy in the

relationship? Well, she's still here, innit? W ell, we get 32 on the test and she says we
failed. I thought it was pretty good since she was just a quick shag at first. It was just a one-
off in the beginning, and she ju st, I dunno. It's like the ironing board. You know it's there
but it never moves so you just sort of accept it.
Where was I? Oh yeah, this test, she makes me take it again 'cos she reckons I was
just messing around first go. Fail. Then she goes mental, like she's on the rag again.
"I AM NOT ON THE PISSING RAG ! "
But she always gets emotional when she's on one. Anyway, she reckoned we had to
have 'a little chat.' A Nazi interrogation would've fitted better. Between women and gay
blokes, why do we need the army? The gays could bitch at 'em and the birds'd make 'em

cry. So, we have this third degree talk and I'm trying so fucking hard to look interested. So
hard I turn the footie off - and United are playing tonight. But she doesn't notice this
gesture of my love or as my mate might say,
"She's got you pussy whipped dog." Why Mikey calls me dog, I dunno. I mean, he
ain't black or a Yank or nothing. Whatever.
Listening to her was easy enough but actually being interested and caring? I got
enough of my own problems to worry about ta very much. So she's had a hard day and she
feels taken for granted and the relationship has lost the fire and she wants counselling and -
Woah, woah, woah, hang about.

Counselling?
"Baby, baby, babe. Sweetheart. Chill a sec." She's flipped out. No idea why. I
mean counselling is not a word you use lightly in front of a bloke. "What's wrong with us? I