Page 12 - Student: dazed And Confused

DEMONSTRATION OF WRITING AS PROCESS - The notebook focuses in on the characters'
voices - as you should in this exercise. I think you do raise the questions that you ask but,
as you indicate in the notebook, perhaps don't answer them. The triangular relationship is a
classic model but not sure if the third is developed enough. Perhaps more of a love story
between brother and sister.

MASTERY OF TECHNIQUES AND CONVENTIONS - You have joined in the spirit of
experimentation and for the main characters this is revealing. I was less clear about why
you presented the Greek translation at the end and not alongside the text - particularly
given that the reader has to shuffle papers three times to get to the translation. Maybe you

wanted disruption - you don't mention this in the notebook.
There are a couple of technical presentation issues, which may seem small but are
significant in the writing trade. You need to double space, spell-check thoroughly and not
include scripts with words crossed out. Also - how long is this piece - it feels longer that
2000?

ACHIEVEMENT OF A SHAPED AND CRAFTED PIECE OF WRITING - 1 think your opening and
closing statements in the writer's notebook tell all here. You are intent, it seems on, on
wanting to make the reader feel something. This is fine and best done through story. There

are stories in your piece but not an overriding story with a satisfying end for the reader.
There is interest in the talking dead and in the primitive man but no clear path through it all.
The voices are differentiated and well written.

EVIDENCE OF INDIVIDUALITY, INVENTION AND EMPATHY - this is a good use of multiple
narrative. It gives voice to something that normally doesn't have a voice - and puts it in a
conversation.

OVERALL COMMENTS - A well written experimental multiple narrative piece that fulfils its
ambitions short of a definite storyline.

MARK - 55