Page 66 - Student: dazed And Confused

ACHIEVEMENT OF A SHAPED AND CRAFTED PIECE OF WRITING - I like the rhythm of your
scenes, but I feel you don't always give close enough attention to what goes on in them. For
instance, why would the teacher think the girls were involved in a major shooting? The
radio device you use in the 'common room' is too obvious - and unlikely. I remember there
was a long discussion in our session about your use of 5 + 1 bullets. The police would be
able to tell all they need to know from one bullet, let alone the five fired into your victim.
Yet you didn't change your plotting to overcome this weakness - I find this disappointing.

EVIDENCE OF INDIVIDUALITY, INVENTION AND EMPATHY - You show an empathy with the
young person you're writing about. However, you don't sufficiently let us into her mind-

the character you base this one has very dark elements to her background. I don't feel this
depth in your creation.

OVERALL COMMENTS - You need to research more carefully before you write and put
yourself right inside scenes as you create them. Perhaps you may need to take more time
or write more slowly in order to achieve this. The worlds you create must feel real - at the
moment they just don't ring true.

MARK - 45