Page 405 - The Social Animal

Liking, Loving, and Interpersonal Sensitivity 387

56
that demonstrated this distinction. A gain effect occurred only
when a change of heart was made explicit. Second, the change of
heart must be gradual.The reason for this should be clear: An abrupt
about-face is viewed by the stimulus person with confusion and sus-
picion, especially if it occurs on the basis of scant evidence. If Mary
thinks Sam is stupid after three encounters but brilliant after the
fourth encounter, such a dramatic shift is bound to arouse suspicion
on Sam’s part. A gradual change, on the other hand, makes sense; it
does not produce suspicion and hence produces an intensification of
the person’s liking for his or her evaluator. 57

The Quest for Communal Relationships Suppose you are
sharing an apartment with a casual friend; we’ll call him Sam. Sam
almost never washes the dishes, empties the trash, or straightens up
the living room. If you want a tidy house, you usually need to do
these things yourself. My guess is that, after a while, you might be-
come upset and feel ripped off. Ah, but suppose Sam was a very spe-
cial friend. Would you still feel ripped off? Perhaps, but perhaps not.
It depends on what we mean by “very special.”
Margaret Clark and Judson Mills made an important distinction
between exchange relationships and communal relationships. 58 In
exchange relationships, the people involved are concerned about
making sure that some sort of equity is achieved, that there is fair-
ness in the distribution of the rewards and costs to each of the part-
ners. In this kind of relationship, if there is a major imbalance, both
people become unhappy; the person on the short end usually feels
angry or depressed, and the person on the long end usually feels
guilty. In contrast, a communal relationship is one in which nei-
59
ther of the partners is keeping score. Rather, a person will be inclined
to give of herself or himself in response to the other’s need and will
readily receive the same kind of care when he or she is feeling needy.
Although the partners in a communal relationship are not totally
unconcerned about achieving a rough kind of equity, they are relaxed
about it and have faith that, over the long haul, some semblance of
equity will fall into place. The closer and more intimate the relation-
ship, the more communal it becomes. Clark and Mills suggest that
prenuptial agreements, in which people about to be married specify
precisely what they expect from their partner, are more likely to un-
dermine than enhance the intensity of their feelings for each other.