Page 410 - The Social Animal

392 The Social Animal

near ceiling level and, therefore, cannot provide us with much of a
gain. To put it another way, once we have learned to expect love, sup-
port, and praise from a mate, such behavior is not likely to represent
a gain in that person’s esteem for us. By the same token, a loved one
has great potential to hurt us. The closer the relationship and the
greater the past history of invariant esteem and reward, the more dev-
astating is the withdrawal of that person’s esteem. In effect, then, the
long-term lover has power to hurt the one he or she loves—but very
little power to offer an important reward.
An example may help to clarify this point. After 20 years of mar-
riage, a doting husband and his wife are getting dressed to attend a
formal dinner party. He compliments her on her appearance: “Gee,
honey, you look great.” She hears his words, and they are nice but
they may not fill her with delight. She already knows her husband
thinks she’s attractive; chances are she will not turn cartwheels at
hearing about it for the thousandth time. On the other hand, if the
doting husband (who in the past was always full of compliments)
told his wife that she was losing her looks and he found her down-
right unattractive, this would cause her a great deal of pain because
it represents a loss in his positive feelings about her.
Is she doomed to experience either boredom or pain? No, be-
cause there are other people in the world. Suppose Mr. and Mrs.
Doting arrive at a party and a total stranger engages Mrs. Doting in
a lively conversation. After a while, he begins looking at her with in-
tense warmth and interest and says, with sincerity, that he finds her
intelligent, witty, and attractive. My guess is that she would not find
this at all boring. It represents a distinct gain for her—it makes her
feel good about herself—and because of this it increases her positive
feelings about the stranger, as well.
This reasoning is consistent with existing research. For example,
O. J. Harveyfound that people react more positively to strangers than
to friends when each was designated as the person who evaluated
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them positively. Moreover, they tended to react more negatively to
friends than to strangers when each was designated as the person
who evaluated them negatively. Similarly, several experiments have
shown that strangers have more impact on the behavior of young
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children than either parents or other familiar adults. Most children
are accustomed to receiving approval from parents and other adults
with whom they are familiar. Therefore, additional approval from