Page 413 - The Social Animal

Liking, Loving, and Interpersonal Sensitivity 395

more likely to have a healthy relationship than people who don’t. But
how about when things go right? It turns out that a better predic-
tor of happiness in a close relationship is the ability of each of the
partners to be responsive and supportive when the other is success-
73
ful. Shelley Gable and her associates found that people who re-
ceived positive responses from their romantic partners when they
were describing an important success were happier with their rela-
tionship several months later than those who received less enthusi-
astic responses. And this makes sense. In many relationships a
partner’s triumph can bring mixed emotions—the joy can be tinged
with envy. Gable’s research suggests that couples are happiest when
whatever envy there might be is far overshadowed by the joy.
To summarize this section, the data indicate that, as a relation-
ship moves toward greater intimacy, what becomes increasingly im-
portant is authenticity—our ability to give up trying to make a good
impression and begin to reveal things about ourselves that are hon-
est, even if unsavory. In addition, authenticity implies a willingness
to communicate a wide range of feelings to our friends and loved
ones, under appropriate circumstances and in ways that reflect our
caring. Thus, to return to the plight of Mr. and Mrs. Doting, the re-
search data suggest that if two people are genuinely fond of each
other, they will have a more satisfying and exciting relationship over
a longer period if they are able to express both positive and negative
feelings about each other, as well as about themselves.

Intimacy, Authenticity, and
Communication

Although honest communication with loved ones has beneficial ef-
fects, the process is not as easy as it might sound. Honest communi-
cation entails sharing negative feelings and unappetizing things
about ourselves; these things increase our vulnerability—and most of
us usually try to avoid making ourselves vulnerable—even to the peo-
ple we love the most. How might we accomplish this in a real rela-
tionship? Imagine, if you will, the following scenario:
Phil and Alice Henshaw are washing the dishes. They have had
several friends over for dinner, the friends have left, and Phil and
Alice are cleaning up. During the evening Alice was her usual
charming, witty, vivacious self. But Phil, who is usually delighted by