Page 416 - The Social Animal

398 The Social Animal

United States, it seems reasonable to ask seriously why this happens.
It would be silly to proclaim that all anger, disagreement, hurt, and
hostility between people who supposedly care about each other are
functions of poor or inadequate communication. Often there are con-
flicts between the needs, values, desires, and goals of people in close re-
lationships.These produce stresses and tensions, which must either be
lived with or resolved by compromise, yielding, or the dissolution of
the relationship. But frequently the problem is largely one of miscom-
munication. How might Phil have communicated differently? Pretend
for the moment that you are Phil. And Alice, a person you care about,
approaches you and makes the following statement in a tone of voice
that is nonblaming and nonjudgmental.

I’m feeling insecure about my intelligence—or at least the way
people view me on that dimension. Since you are the most im-
portant person in my world, it would be particularly gratifying
to me if you would acknowledge statements of mine that you
think are intelligent or worthwhile. When we disagree on a
substantive issue and you speak harshly or become impatient
with me, it tends to increase my feeling of insecurity. Earlier
this evening, during our political discussion, I would have been
delighted if you had complimented me on some of my ideas and
insights.

Imagine, now, that you are Alice, and Phil had opened the after-din-
ner discussion in the following way.

This is difficult to talk about, but I’d like to try. I don’t know
what it is with me lately, but I was feeling some jealousy
tonight. This isn’t easy to say, but here goes: You and Tom
seemed kind of close—both intellectually and physically—and
I was feeling hurt and lonely. I’ve been worried lately about
middle age. This may seem silly, but I’ve been slowing down,
feeling tired, developing a paunch. I need some reassurance; do
you still find me attractive? I would love it if you’d look at me
the way you seemed to be looking at Tom this evening.

My guess is that most people would be receptive and responsive to
that kind of straight talk from a loved one. By straight talk, I mean
a person’s clear statement of his or her feelings and concerns without