Page 418 - The Social Animal

400 The Social Animal

Characteristics of Effective
Communication

The Importance of Immediacy For communication to be ef-
fective in a close relationship, feelings must be expressed directly
and openly. When this strategy is followed, we are able to receive
immediate feedback on how our words and behavior are interpreted.
With immediate feedback, we are better able to gain insight into
the impact of our actions and statements and to consider our op-
tions for meeting our own needs, as well as our partner’s. To illus-
trate, suppose I do something that angers my best friend, who also
happens to be my wife. If she doesn’t express this anger, I may never
become aware that what I did made her angry. On the other hand,
suppose she gives me immediate feedback; suppose she tells me how
my action makes her feel. Then I have at least two options: I can
continue to behave in that way, or I can stop behaving in that way—
the choice is mine. The behavior may be so important that I don’t
want to give it up. Conversely, my wife’s feelings may be so impor-
tant that I choose to give up the behavior. In the absence of any
knowledge of how my behavior makes her feel, I don’t have a choice.
Moreover, knowing exactly how she feels about a particular action
may allow me to explore a different action that may satisfy my
needs, as well as hers.
The value of immediate feedback is not limited to the recipient.
Frequently, in providing feedback, people discover something about
themselves and their own needs. If Sharon feels, for example, that it’s
always destructive to express anger, she may block out her awareness
of this feeling. When the expression of this feeling is legitimized, she
has a chance to bring it out in the open, to look at it, and to become
aware that her expression of anger has not caused the world to come
to an end. Moreover, the direct expression of a feeling keeps the en-
counter on the up-and-up and thus helps to prevent the escalation
of negative feelings. For example, if my wife has learned to express
her anger directly, not by shouting or accusing but by stating her feel-
ings and grievances clearly, it keeps our discussion on the issue at
hand. If she suppresses the anger but it leaks out in other ways—at
different times and in different situations, or if she withdraws and
seems sullen—I do not know where her hostility is coming from and
I become confused, hurt, or angry.