Page 421 - The Social Animal

Liking, Loving, and Interpersonal Sensitivity 403

Harry knows for sure whether he’s an insincere phony; Sam is only
guessing. But Sam’s statement that he is feeling envious or angry is
not a guess or a theory; it is an absolute fact. Sam is not guessing
about his own feelings—he knows them. Harry may or may not care
about Sam’s intellectual theories or judgments, but if he wants to be
Sam’s friend, he might want to know Sam’s feelings and what he
(Harry) did to trigger them. 74

Communication and Consummate Love Sam and Harry
were not lovers. They were merely two guys in a workshop trying to
improve their communication skills. Effective communication is use-
ful for everyone, but it is particularly valuable in a close relationship.
When lovers do not state their unpleasant feelings (hurt, anger, jeal-
ousy, frustration) directly but conceal them and, instead, resort to
judgments and dispositional attributions, minor disagreements will
almost invariably escalate into major disputes—as in the argument
that Phil and Alice were having. When lovers express their feelings
without judging the other person as being wrong, insensitive, or un-
caring, escalation rarely follows. Several studies confirm these spec-
ulations. To take one example, Frank Fincham and Thomas
Bradbury studied 130 newly married couples over time and found
that those couples who made dispositional attributions early in their
75
marriages became increasingly unhappy with their spouses. In con-
trast, these investigators found that couples who engaged in straight
talk and made situational attributions became increasingly happy
with their marriages. I agree with Sternberg in his assertion that the
ultimate goal of all intimate relationships is consummate love. This
research confirms what I have long suspected: Straight talk may in-
deed be the royal road to consummate love.