Page 420 - The Social Animal

402 The Social Animal

phony. “And what does that do to you?” “It annoys the hell out of
me,” answered Sam. “What kinds of things has Harry done that an-
noyed you, Sam?”
Sam eventually admitted that he got annoyed whenever Harry
expressed warmth and understanding to other members of the group.
On further probing, it turned out that Sam perceived Harry as being
attractive—especially to women. What eventually emerged was that
Sam owned up to a feeling of envy: Sam wished he had Harry’s easy
charm and popularity.
Note that Sam had initially masked this feeling of envy; instead,
he had discharged his feelings by expressing disdain, by saying Harry
was a phony. This kind of expression is ego-protecting: Because we
live in a competitive society, Sam had learned over the years that, if
he had admitted to feeling envious, it might have put him “one
down” and put Harry “one up.” This would have made Sam vulner-
able—that is, it would have made him feel weak in relation to Harry.
By expressing disdain, however, Sam succeeded in putting himself
“one up.”
Although his behavior was successful as an ego-protecting de-
vice, it didn’t contribute to Sam’s understanding of his own feelings
and of the kinds of events that caused those feelings; and it certainly
didn’t contribute to Sam’s understanding of Harry or to Harry’s un-
derstanding of Sam. In short, Sam was communicating ineffectively.
As an ego-defensive measure, his behavior was adaptive; as a form of
communication, it was extremely maladaptive. Thus, although it
made Sam vulnerable to admit he envied Harry, it opened the door
to communication; eventually, it helped them to understand each
other.
It’s easier for all of us to hear feedback that is expressed in terms
of feelings—“I’m upset”—than feedback expressed as a judgment or
accusation—“You are a thoughtless jerk!” A person’s judgments
about another person almost always take the form of dispositional at-
tributions (attributing the cause of a person’s behavior to a flaw in
their personalities or dispositions). In this case, Sam was telling
Harry what kind of person he (Harry) is. Generally, people resent
being told what kind of person they are—and for good reason, be-
cause such attributions are purely a matter of conjecture. Sam’s dis-
positional attribution about Harry’s behavior may reflect reality or,
just as likely, it may not; it is merely Sam’s theory about Harry. Only