Page 412 - The Social Animal

394 The Social Animal

look at the Dotings. Although Mr. Doting has great power to hurt
his wife by criticizing her, because of the importance of the relation-
ship, Mrs. Doting is apt to listen closely and be responsive to such
criticism and will be inclined to make some changes to regain his in-
terest. The reverse is also true: If Mrs. Doting were to suddenly
change her high opinion of Mr. Doting, he would be likely to pay
close attention and eventually take action to regain her approval. A
relationship becomes truly creative and continues to grow when both
partners resolve conflicts—not by papering them over, but by striv-
ing to grow and change in creative ways. In this process, authentic-
ity assumes great importance.
Carrying this reasoning a step further, I would guess that the
more honest and authentic a relationship is, the less the likelihood of
its stagnating on a dull and deadening plateau like the one on which
the Dotings appear to be stuck. What I am suggesting is that a close
relationship in which the partners do not provide each other with
gains in esteem is almost certain to be a relationship in which the
partners are not open and honest with each other. In a closed rela-
tionship, people tend to suppress their annoyances and to keep their
negative feelings to themselves. This results in a fragile plateau that
appears stable and positive but that can be devastated by a sudden
shift in sentiment.
In an open, honest, authentic relationship, one in which people
are able to share their true feelings and impressions (even their neg-
ative ones), no such plateau is reached. Rather, there is a continuous
zigzagging of sentiment around a point of relatively high mutual re-
gard. These speculations receive support by research showing that
marriage partners who use an intimate, nonaggressive, yet direct
method of conflict resolution report higher levels of marital satisfac-
tion. In a relationship of this sort, the partners are reasonably close
71
to the gain condition of the gain-loss experiment. By the same token,
an exchange of intimate and important aspects of oneself—both pos-
itive and negative—is beneficial for the development of close rela-
tionships.That is, all other things being equal, we like a person better
after we have disclosed something important about ourselves—even
if it is unsavory. In addition, studies of people in close relations indi-
cate that we tend to like other people better when they honor us by
revealing something intimate and negative about themselves. 72
Thus relationships are strengthened by honest self-disclosure.
And people who support one another in times of need and stress are