Page 411 - The Social Animal

Liking, Loving, and Interpersonal Sensitivity 393

them does not represent much of a gain. However, approval from a
stranger is a gain and, according to gain-loss theory, should result in
more positive behavior.
These results and speculations suggest a rather bleak picture of the
human condition; we seem to be forever seeking favor in the eyes of
strangers while, at the same time, we are being hurt by our most inti-
mate friends and lovers. Before we jump to this conclusion, however,
let us take a few steps backward and look at the impact that gain or
loss has on how individuals respond to close friends or strangers. One
study is highly pertinent in this respect. Joanne Floyd divided a group
of young children into pairs so that each child was either with a close
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friend or with a stranger. One child in each pair was then allowed to
play a game in which he or she earned several trinkets. The child was
then instructed to share these with the assigned partner.The perceived
stinginess of the sharer was manipulated by the experimenter. Some
children were led to believe that the friend (or stranger) was treating
them generously, and others were led to believe that the friend (or
stranger) was treating them in a stingy manner. Each “receiving” child
was then allowed to earn several trinkets and was instructed to share
them with his or her partner. As expected, the children showed the
most generosity in the gain and loss conditions—that is, they gave
more trinkets to generous strangers and stingy friends. In short, they
were relatively stingy to stingy strangers (And why not? The strangers
behaved as they might have been expected to behave) and to generous
friends (“Ho-hum, my friend likes me; so what else is new?”). But
when it looked as though they might be gaining a friend (the gener-
ous stranger), they reacted with generosity; likewise, when it looked as
though they might be losing one (the stingy friend), they also re-
sponded with generosity. Although it appears true that “you always
hurt the one you love,” the hurt person appears to be inspired to react
kindly—rather than in kind—in an attempt to reestablish the positive
intensity of the relationship. This suggests the comforting possibility
that individuals are inclined to behave in a way that will preserve sta-
bility in their relations.
Along these lines, as far back as the year 46 BC, and as recently
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as 1990, astute observers such as Cicero and John Harvey have
suggested that, in a communal relationship, hurt feelings and conflict
can produce healthy and exciting new understandings. How might
these understandings come about? A clue comes from taking another