Page 69 - Meeting with Children Manual

Section 5

P a ge | 67

interact even if the interactions are not positive. The on-going lack of disengagement
is a reflection of the how hard it is to sever a bond with the other person even if the
interaction is highly conflicted and full of anger. The problem with low scores on the
disengagement item is that much of the focus is still on the individuation process and
not on children and parenting. The following may be indicative of low disengagement
comments:
 He just wants to see me suffer and that’s why he refuses to communicate by
telephone
 She is selfish and preoccupied with her boyfriend and I have no intention of going
near her house. I will drop the kids off down the street
 I am not going to bother to call the children if he/she moves. I won’t give him/her
the satisfaction
 I leave her the key to the house to come in to get the children’s things when she
wants to – she is still my wife, after all
 I want to talk about the reason she left. I need an explanation. I don’t agree with
her leaving right now.
 I love him and he will come around after his new relationship ends
 I need all his phone numbers – I don’t care that I have his mobile phone number,
what if there is an emergency?
 She needs me to manage the yard; it was always my job. I only go over a few times
a month to take care of all of the household maintenance
 I was always close to his parents. We still spend every weekend together. They
are not happy with his behavior either

ITEM 5. Value of Role of Other Parent
Parent/parent relationship factor
Parents with low scores on this item do not value the role of the other parent as
significant to the children (even if the children obviously value their relationship with
the other parent). These parents typically had disruptive family of origin histories.
They may have experienced a high conflict separation and divorce as children resulting
in a loss of parent contact. Even in an intact family background, the person may have
experienced one parent diminishing the value of the other parent. Some family
dynamics are defined and measured by strong female influence and some by strong
male influence. Either way the value of the male or female role may be diminished. It
is important to explore each party’s past family experience as past patterns tend to
follow people into current relationships. The following comments may be indicative
of low value of the role of the other parent:
 We do just fine on our own. He was never involved when we were together
anyway
 No he does not miss his mother; she was never there for him right from the
beginning
 I was the primary caregiver and did everything. If she needs to have a good role
model she has her stepfather
 He has no idea what to do with a toddler and I have no intention of training him
now

© The International Centre for Children and Family Law Inc. This material cannot be copied in whole or in part without the express written permission
of the copyright owner.