Page 71 - Meeting with Children Manual

Section 5

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Self-control evolves from control being organized by others (parents/caregivers) to
self-organized control. This emerges from infancy (3 months) when infants make use
of innate mechanisms (sucking, rocking, turning away for instance) to manage too
much stimulation. They become more aware of external control between 9-12 months
and begin to follow external signals. During the second year of life language is further
developed and more strategies for regulation of emotion and behavior are expanded
upon and through “others”. It is not until a child is ages 3-4 years of age (preschool)
that he/she may demonstrate self-control without the guidance and monitoring of
“other”. By Kindergarten, children are more likely to be practicing self-regulation
through internalized rules and strategies or plans. Their behavior comes more and
more under control as language increases. By the age of 7 children begin to use
internal silent “self-talk” to understand situations, to stop themselves from reacting
impulsively and to overcome difficulties. They draw on internalized standards and self-
monitoring of behavior begins to take place with more frequency (Kopp, 1982). By the
time children are approximately 12 years old, they are capable of behaving
independently related to their actions. Under times of stress, regulation of emotion
and behavior is required. Theoretically, the more positive external assistance from
“other” a child received in early childhood to make use of internal strategies for self-
soothing and calming, the more consistently behaviorally and emotionally regulated
that child will be in later childhood and consequently onwards into adulthood. Of
course there are some individual differences that contribute to the ability to regulate
emotionally and behaviorally such as temperament (Thomas and Chess, 1977), as well
as developmental factors, psychological issues such as depression, anxiety, and
personality.

Parents in intact couple relationships and parents who are going through a separation
have varied experiences related to having been parented. Some people have had
consistent, organized, non-chaotic or non-abusive caregiving experiences and others
have had disorganizing, chaotic early experiences. It is important to explore a little
about a parent’s history in order to further understand what may potentially underlie
difficulty in self-regulation. Separation is a very stressful life event and the reasons for
endings are many. Some endings may trigger core feelings of shame and
abandonment. If this is the case, it may be very difficult for the wounded party to
consistently manage the task of self-regulation. The following might be observed
during sessions:
 Yelling, name-calling, crying (overall heightened emotions)
 Quick escalations to emotional outbursts
 Suddenly leaving the room, slamming the door
 Presenting with an exaggerated voice tone of crisis and urgency
 Aggressive behavior – finger pointing, fist shaking, increased sarcasm, sometimes
ripping paper or impulsively throwing something
 Rolling off the chair onto the floor, kicking things
 Temper tantrums and screaming
 Critical, reactive and attacking behavior
 Sometimes presenting as urgent and paranoid about the other parent
 Blaming of others in the room (including you)
 Threats and intimidation actions may take place

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