Page 72 - Meeting with Children Manual

Section 5 P a ge | 70

ITEM 8. Parent Ability to Take a Neutral Stance Re: The Other Parent
Parent/parent relationship factor
A neutral stance towards the other parent would include using supportive terms to
describe the relationship between that parent and the children. Even if there is anger
held by one parent towards the other this is managed to the extent the other parent
is not referred to negatively (particularly in front of the children). This is typically
observed both in individual sessions with the parent as well as during joint sessions.
When there is an inability to take a neutral stance, negative referencing usually
pervades the stories that parent tells about the other (including how that parent
manages or has managed the children during his/her parenting time). The parent who
engages in making negative, critical or disparaging comments about the other parent
usually attempts to rationalize what he/she is saying. The frequency of negative
statements about the other parent tends to count when using this scale. Some parents
have no filter and will speak to the other parent in undermining ways while the
children are present or close to the parent’s phone for instance, or while the parent is
in the vehicle using a hands-free phone where both parents are having a conversation.
A non-neutral stance may include passive non-support whereby the parent subtly
undermines the other parent by not correcting or challenging a child’s view of the
other parent or by remaining silent as third parties such as extended family negatively
reference the other parent.
Neutrality requires a protective mindset and an ability to contain feelings and
thoughts about another person for the sake of the children. It is the ability to allow a
child to hold a positive view of their other parent in spite of any personal views or
feelings. Indications of not holding a positive view may appear in the following ways:
 Your mother was always an anxious person and she was never there for you
 Your father worked all the time and was never involved in your life; nor was he at
all interested in you or how you were doing
 Your father abused me and scared us! I think it is best you never see him again
 Your mother has always been a controlling witch and she is never welcome at my
home
 “Julie”! (Loud angry voice) “Phone”! (On the other end of the line is the mother)
 Your mother just can’t get over the fact that I left her and can’t stand her
 Your father left “us” for that slut girlfriend. He deserves to be unhappy because
he made “us” so unhappy
 The father remains silent as the paternal grandmother says “Julie! Do you really
have to spend that much time taking to your mother? You will see her next week”
 The other parent shares negative break-up stories with the child and fully blames
the other parent for the break-up
 The other parent undermines the safety in the other house by becoming overly
anxious with the child. For example: “Julie? It’s daddy. I am just checking on you,
sweetie. Are you ok? Is everything ok over there? You just call daddy right away
if you are scared and mummy is not there. You know daddy is always here.”
 The parent who undermines the other parent often questions the actions of the
parent the child is with and places doubt in the child’s mind about the
appropriateness of the other parent. Over time children become exceptionally

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