Page 73 - Meeting with Children Manual

Section 5

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distressed and behave as though what the undermining parent is suggesting is
actually happening
 Severe non-neutrality leads to alienating behavior on the part of one of the
parents. The child is typically in a position of having to join with the alienating
parent to survive emotionally. The child’s actual experience with his/her other
parent is diminished and he/she ends up taking on the beliefs ideas presented by
the undermining parent

ITEM 9. Ability to Place Child’s Needs Over Parent Needs
Parent/Child factor
The parent who places his/her children’s needs over his/her own is highly
accommodating and usually generally sensitive of others. This parent is usually
thoughtful of his/her children and keeps in mind the power differentiation between
children and adults. The parent who cannot put his/her child’s needs above his/her
own is usually primarily self-focused and self-protective. Even if, for instance, his/her
child asks or pleads for his/her parent to attend a special event related to an
extracurricular activity the answer may still be “no” due to being personally
inconvenienced by the event. Those who cannot place their child’ s needs first may
respond in the following ways:
 It is my weekend and I need some downtime, “Chrissy” will have enough fun doing
things at home
 I cannot drive across the city for a one-hour art class… that is ridiculous
 No, I will not take over the care of Chris’s dog for the weekend. That is the other
parent’s responsibility
 I am not going to call during the mid-week. I can’t stand to hear X’s voice (the other
parent)
 It is unreasonable to buy clothes at my house when I pay X amount to his mother
to buy him everything he needs
 I am not brining over the skis – he (the other parent) can get his own skis for his
house
 I will not pick up forgotten items; that is her mother’s job to pack the bag
 I replaced enough gloves this winter… her father can purchase the next ones (child
goes to school without gloves)
 I was not consulted in time so he is not going on the school trip and that’s final
 I did not know about the orthodontic appointment so I cancelled it when the office
called
 I have other children now you know! I can’t accommodate everyone
 I am not going to spend one-on-one time with Chris! This is her mother
manipulating me. Chris is part of a new family and she just has to adjust. I can’t
divide myself in three
 I need to have a vacation with my new girlfriend. I think the children can go on
vacations with their mother
 I am not travelling to see Chris. Chris can travel to me once a month. I am very busy
and I can’t afford the time
 No, I did not put the lunch boxes and the swim suit in the bag! He never sends the
box back clean so I refuse to babysit him. He can buy his own things

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