Page 13 - Dr. Nisha Bunke

Bitchin Holiday Shopping

& Moaning

By Judith A. Habert

We are at that time of year when presents are on everyone’s mind and • Extra Large shrimp prepared Scampi Style with Linguine Pasta
words like Black Friday, Bogo, and 70% off come into play. Since most (6 lbs. of shrimp for 6 people)
of us women have lived through a Black Friday, (some more than once) • Turkey and two types of gravy
we know that it is truly an event especially made for women. Those of us • Stuffing
who have attempted to bring our significant other with us to experience • Sweet Potatoes (with Melted Marshmallows and brown sugar)
the joy and exaltation of this revered event, have quickly realized that it • Green Bean Casserole
has turned out to be a Disaster with a capital D. • Steamed Fresh Vegetables
Men, for some reason, just don’t understand the joy women get at • Mashed Potatoes
standing in long lines for hours on end in the very early hours of the • Cranberry Sauce
morning to be one of the first shoppers into a store to get an item for 50% • Dessert consisted of a Cherry Pie, Apple Crumb Pie, Sweet Potato Pie,
off. So what if we have to camp out at 3 a.m. with thermoses of hot and Cheese Cake.
coffee and a tent like structure protecting us from the elements. Hell, we Do you get the picture yet? After the men all devoured this meal, the
are in San Diego, what is the worst that can happen, it might drizzle. women carefully chose the lightest items on the menu and when the men
Being a former New Yorker, I scoff at this. Hell, I did my Christmas passed out on the couch, we gathered our bags, put on our sneakers and
shopping at an outdoor flea market at Roosevelt Racetrack on December hit all of the Thanksgiving day Pre-Black Friday sales. We got all the
15th with the temperature at 12 degrees and 3 layers of clothes, boots, bargains, got back home, and hid them in the garage before any of the
hat and scarf, hot chocolate in one hand the other gloved and shoved in men woke up. At which point we sat with them and planned out our
a pocket so it might be nimble enough to be able to reach in my wallet to method of attack for Black Friday shopping with our significant others.
pull out crisp (actually slightly frozen) bills to pay for my purchases. We It worked like a charm, and when our men begged us to go home after
only ended our shopping trip when we could no longer feel both feet. The only 3 hours of shopping on Black Friday, we were able to guilt them into
wimps in the group gave up when only one hand or one foot lost feeling, taking us out for a nice lunch, since they made us cut short one of our
but not me or my mom, we were pros, and we would risk a limb for a favorite events of the year. Problem Solved!
good deal. As would most true bargain shoppers.
So, I really don’t want to solely pick on men for the lack of excitement and
adventure when it comes to the holiday shopping experience. But
after having survived the Cabbage Patch Doll fiasco and the Talking
Big Bird debacle of the late 1980’s, I honestly feel like I deserve
some extra street cred. How many of you out there can honestly
say they lived through these historic shopping horrors? I personally
believe that some of my current moments of PTSD can be directly
traced back to these events.
I actually had a cabbage patch doll stolen out of my shopping cart
while I turned away to select another gift for my 5-year-old daughter,
and ended up having to go black market to buy a replacement. My
transaction was just short of meeting in a dark alley and dealing with
a man in a trench coat to purchase the “gray market” cabbage “kid,”
it was such a sleazy encounter. It actually made me feel as if I
needed a shower after exchanging the cash for my coveted prize,
which made my daughter scream with joy on Christmas morning.
The Talking Big Bird was an event that still gives me the shakes
when I talk about, so I won’t elaborate. But let’s just say it involved
a 6 hour car ride to pay 3x what the store was selling the item for, if
they had any available, and the woman I dealt with wore dark
sunglasses and was missing her three front teeth.
Yes, Christmas shopping in New York was rough, so I wanted to
hear no complaints about long lines when my significant other joined
me to shop. So what if you had to elbow a few frail looking women
to get the 50% off designer handbag. Hell, I was kind to the woman
in the wheelchair. But it truly wasn’t any of this that he complained
about. It was the long lines at the cash register, and the crowds. Did
he actually think that after the stores were hyping this day and the
amazing sales it promised, that we were going to be the only ones
that took the bait and set out at 3 am to shop? Well, I keep insisting
that he stay home and I attack the stores on my own, but he insists,
so thanks to the greedy retail industry I have managed to solve
my problem. Here is my solution and it really is very simple: I am
Italian, and therefore no one blinks an eye when I put together my
Thanksgiving dinner menu. This year it consisted of the following:
• Antipasto (four types of cold cuts, four cheeses, two types of olives,
marinated mushrooms, marinated artichoke hearts, and marinated
red peppers in oil), bread sticks, Italian bread with butter and garlic
bread.
• King Crab and Corn Chowder (Thank you Costco)