Page 33 - Kimberly Hunt and daughter

Ask Dr. Penny gious practice affect the relationship with one another’s families?
Whose faith would be followed if and when you decide to have
children?
16. Speaking of children…Do you both eventually want a child or
children? Would one of you stay home? Who would you want to
Key Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do” care for your children if both parents choose to work? How does he
view discipline for children? What are your hopes and dreams for
your children when it comes to talents, abilities, and education?
Dr. Penny Michelle Goffman is a clinical psychologist in 17. How will each of you make time for friends? How does he feel
San Diego providing individual, about Boys’ Night Out or Girls´ Night Out? Would it be one night
couple, family therapy, coach- during the week or more?
18. How do your hobbies match up? What are your ideas about
ing and high conflict mediation. how to spend free time?
Please send your relationship 19. How will you spend couple-time? Would you have a special
questions to: date day?
drpenny@sandiegowoman.com. 20. How flexible or inflexible is your fiancé? Do you have to com-
promise often?
When you are dating the man of your 21. Any history of addiction in the family? Gambling? Alcohol?
dreams, everything about him may 22. Is his temperament consistent? Does he have bouts of anger
seem great. In fact, when you are or changes in personality? Are there any substances, prescribed or
madly in love few things can spoil his otherwise, that alter his disposition?
good looks, college education, and
promising career. But, before you
make your way down the aisle, there Remember that unfulfilled expectations can set you up for hurt,
are plenty of issues to discuss with the man you plan to spend the resentment and many sleepless nights. Instead, use your months
rest of your life with. of wedding planning to touch on issues that you feel are vital to your
Ask yourself these questions before you say “I do” and really get to relationship. Listen intently to one another and note which points of
know your mate: discussion are hot buttons or sources of indifference for your man.
1. Can you discuss your personal strengths and weaknesses with Of course, there are no right or wrong answers to the questions
one another? listed here. But, the answers need to be discussed so that the two
2. Can you express your feelings and needs when you are hurting? of you can have realistic expectations about your newly married life.
Does he listen to you and try to understand you? To make the journey of marriage successful, know why you are
3. Do you avoid serious discussions because you are worried what getting married and recognize that being married is very different
your fiancé might think of you? Or, are you fearful of appearing from just living together. If you don’t address and deal with the
vulnerable to him? many myths of marriage and each other’s expectations, they can
4. How do you disagree? Does he ever apologize first? During an tear you apart. Interfaith and intercultural marriages have their own
argument, does he share his feelings or leave the room? Are either set of unique challenges that need to be identified, understood, and San Diego Woman
of you more concerned with being right then working on solutions sensitively dealt with. Maintaining a healthy marriage is a life-long
together? process.
5. What is his philosophy regarding money? Is he a saver or a A sexy, exciting marriage doesn’t just happen. You need to work on
spender? Does he use money to control you? (E.g. Providing you it and express and show your love and respect for each other, daily. 33
with a small allowance and having you defend your purchases?)
6. Who will do the bookkeeping in the family? Who will pay the
bills? Who is best equipped to handle money matters?
7. How does he feel about spending money on friends
and family members?
8. How does he feel about spending money on cloth-
ing, entertainment, vacations, and furnishings?
9. Will money be kept separately or jointly? Will you
pay your expenses and he pay his?
10. If a family member suddenly needs financial as-
sistance, would he offer to pitch in? Or, would this
request set-off a heated debate?
11. How does he treat his father, mother, brother or
sister?
12. How does he feel about household duties? Would
he do household chores with you? How would you
encourage or remind him to help around the house?
13. Is he a planner or does he love spontaneity? How
will this style affect events like birthday celebrations,
and gift-giving? How do you plan on sharing your
preferences without hurting his feelings?
14. How will holidays be celebrated? Would you
alternate family celebrations? For blended families,
how would you spend holidays that require visits with
multiple parental sets?
15. If you and your fiancé are of different religious
backgrounds, would each of you attend the other’s
services in addition to your own? How would your choice of reli-
Issue 1, 2009