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Saw You at SINAI: A Parents' Story

by Esther and Jacob Schlanger

Tamar wanted a fairy tale wedding. They began to ask to be allowed to date. Our initial reaction was “absolutely
The beautiful flowing white dress, not!” Where could dating possibly lead? Marriage between two people
the big wedding cake, the simcha with their limitations would be far too complicated, and our vision of her
dancing. A shiny part of that dream pain and frustration when it didn’t work out was too much to bear.
was a stretch limo to take them At the urging of the social worker at their DayHab program, who felt their
The happy couple home at the end of the night. So we relationship really had a chance, we met with Chaim’s parents. A match like
hired the fanciest stretch limo we this can only work with intense investment in it on the part of all of the
could find to drive Tamar and Chaim at the end of the wedding to their parents—and the Goldmans are the perfect machatonim for this shidduch.
new, supervised residence apartment. This was a night we never dreamed They shared the same sense of bewildered disbelief at what was happening
would happen for our daughter with Down's Syndrome. between our children, the same anxieties over the future. They confided in
When Tamar was born, we had to make peace with the knowledge that her us how, after Chaim’s Bar Mitzvah, they had said to one another, “Well, that
life would be filled with limitations, but we were determined to give her was the big simcha in his life, that’s it.” We completely related.
the best, most normal life possible. She never left the house without a The more time they spent together, the more Chaim and Tamar fell in
stylish, beautiful outfit—and we brought her everywhere with us. We were love—just like any other young man and woman might—and the more
not going to hide her, or be ashamed. It took a while for people to act they really wanted to be together all the time. Slowly we began to realize
normally around a child with Downs; at first people would pretend they that perhaps we were doing our daughter a disservice, that we owed it to
didn’t notice her. But soon enough, taking their cues from us and reacting our children to give them the opportunity for happiness and a life together.
to Tamar’s infectious smiles, the people in our neighborhood stores came
to realize that they could appreciate an adorable little girl without being There is a reason that fairy tales end at the point where the princess and
intimidated by her diagnosis. her prince fall in love and live happily ever after. In reality, marriage is hard
work for everyone, and especially so for a couple with special needs. All of
Tamar started at SINAI Schools when she the skills they had both learned at SINAI about communication, empathy,
was just 9 years old. There, over the years, and compromise had to be sharpened and practiced intensely before we
her teachers helped her develop the skills felt they could get married. Throughout the process and even to this day,
she would need for life. We fondly HASC, which manages the supervised apartment where Tamar and Chaim
remember “Miss Emma” Gurvich patiently now live together, has continued to provide them with marital counseling
teaching her how to count, use money, tailored to their unique situation, and both we and the Goldmans are
learn the concept of buying what you need actively involved.
at the store and getting the right change.
Equally important were the non-academic The day of the wedding was joyous and intensely emotional. It was a
skills her teachers and therapists worked celebration of the union of two special individuals, but it also belonged to
on with her: how to regulate her emotions; all the people who had enabled Tamar and Chaim to arrive at that day:
how to communicate her wants and needs teachers, aides, therapists and social workers; friends, numerous volunteers
more clearly; how to compromise. Tamar as a student at SINAI and organizations. Surrounded by this village of people who loved,
supported and educated them towards this momentous day, we were
As she got older, they focused more and more on the skills Tamar would overwhelmed with the actualization of Tamar’s dream to be able to live the
need as an adult. In high school, she learned how to cross the street safely, lifestyle that is standard for young people in the Jewish community:
how to chop vegetables and be safe in the kitchen, how to ask for what she marriage to the person we love and choose to be with. SINAI was a very
needed in a store. And a big part of her high school education involved substantial step in her journey, and a very important step in Chaim’s
vocational preparedness, where she spent time in different jobs—working journey as well.
as a teacher’s assistant, as an office clerk at a local shul, as an assistant at
Yavneh Academy in their kitchen and cafeteria, all where she was a valued While Chaim and Tamar will never be truly independent, they are able to
“employee.” These experiences gave her self-confidence and made her feel experience the joys and challenges of sharing their lives with a partner.
appreciated. They made her feel like a significant, productive person. We never envisioned this possibility for Tamar, but their marriage is a
constant reminder to us that individuals with special needs can lead as rich
So it was intensely painful for us when, as she became a young adult, she emotional lives as anyone
started to ask us, “When will I get married? Who will I marry?” else. As we watched them
Our response was to quickly change the subject. We wondered if we hadn’t drive off that night in
gone overboard in assuring her that she could do anything she wanted to their white stretch limo,
do. As much as we believed in our daughter, we simply didn’t think that we felt blessed to see
marriage would ever be possible. When we went to other weddings and the realization of our
the parents would dance the mezinka—the traditional dance to celebrate daughter’s dream to live
marrying off your last child—we would look on with some wistfulness; this life as everyone else
was not going to happen for us. For all of her growing independence as a does, together with the
young woman, marriage did not seem to be a realistic option. husband she loves, and
who loves her back just
We were taken completely by surprise when we learned that there was
something brewing between her and Chaim, a young man the same age Chaim and Tamar first met in high school at SINAI as much.
as she who also has special needs. Even more surprising was the discovery
that they had both been at SINAI at the same time, he at the boys’ high Esther and Jacob Schlanger live in Teaneck, NJ, and are the proud parents of Tamar, who
school at TABC when she was at the girls’ high school at Ma’ayanot. They was at SINAI from age 9 through her early adulthood. They are deeply grateful to SINAI,
didn’t really remember each other much from their teen years, but now in and the entire village of people who made it possible for Tamar and Chaim to live their
their late 20’s they attended the same Yachad DayHab program, where a dream of a life together, especially their outstanding machatonim, Tzirl and Shmuel
spark began to grow. Goldman.