Page 103 - Family Life Student Textbook

2) Modeling:

Children observe and learn from how you operate within the boundaries in your own world. They watch
how you treat your spouse and your work. They emulate you, for good or for bad.

For example, you might tell your children,“no one interrupts another person who is talking”. Parents often
feel that what they have to say is more important than a child's ramblings about what happened at school.
When little Jeremy says, “mom, you interrupted me ,” and mom responds non defensively with, “You are
right, son, I’m sorry about that,” the child is learning that respect, ownership, apologizing, and responding to
house rules are things grownups do as well.

A child's need to belong is more central than his need to obey. If obeying boundaries helps him belong, so
be it. If rebelling against the boundaries brings him attention and belonging, so be it again. Some children
who feel they do not get enough of their parent’s attention, disobey on purpose, in order to get attention.
To them, discipline is better than getting no attention. Demonstrate to your child that obeying will be
rewarded with positive attention, which is much more enjoyable than discipline.

What you model is the key. For instance, Billy is playing in his neighbors yard with a friend. When the time
for the evening meal comes, the two boys hear Billy’s mother calling to him, “Billy, please come home. It is
time to eat.” But Billy continues playing without even acknowledging that he heard his mother. After
another five minutes Billy’s mother calls in a louder and sterner voice, “Billy, come home right now. The
food is already on the table.” But Billy just continues to play. Billy’s friend says to him, “Billy, don’t your hear
your mother calling you to come home? Don’t you think you should be going?” Billy says, “No, its not time to
go yet.” After another five minutes the exasperated mother screams as loudly as she can, “Billy, I told you to
come home and you better come right now!” Now Billy stops playing and turns to his friend and says, “Now
it is time to go home.”

Unfortunately, what this mother has taught her son, is that he does not have to pay any attention to her
commands until she is screaming at the top of her voice. This style of parenting is bad for Billy and terribly
frustating for the mother. And it is very unneccessary. Can you imagine the arguments and fights this
mother is going to have with Billy when he is a teenager. It would be so much better if Billy’s mother would
never have to raise her voice. If she had set a simple boundary such as, “Billy, if you do not come home
within five minutes of when I call, you will miss supper and you will go to bed hungry. That will be your
choice and you will suffer the consequences. Do you understand what I just said?”

Now the most import key in setting boundaries is
that the parents have to do exactly what they
promised. The first time Billy arrives home late do
not let him eat. After five minutes he will pretend
that he is going to faint from hunger and beg and
plead to his mother to let him eat with the rest of
the family. Billy may even complain that she is
starving him. But Billy’s mother should not argue
with him at all. She definitely should not give in to
him and feed him! If she gives in to his pleading,
Billy will learn that he can continue to get away
with disobeying and not have to face the
consequences. She should just calmly say, “I’m so sorry that you chose not to eat at all this evening by
coming home late. You knew that would be the consequence, and you chose to do it anyway. I am sorry that

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