Page 28 - Family Life Student Textbook

2. Transition phase

The transition phase usually begins early in marriage. During this transition phase, the husband and wife
began to adjust to one another. They need to adjust to differing values. They discover that they have come
into marriage with different views on what is important and what is nonnegotiable. They find out that their
mates have different habits, or ways of dealing with certain things. They have different expectations of how
decisions are to be made and how to respond to certain problems and what the other person should be
doing differently.

Someone has said that one of the largest problems in marriage is differing expectations. Because we have
watched our mom and dad as they related to one another, we have developed certain expectations of how
a mate should act, respond, and meet our needs. But the other person has grown up in an entirely different
family and has developed different expectations. The problem is that we do not understand what the other
person's expectations are. When they communicate to us that we're not meeting those expectations, we are
mystified, because we don't understand those expectations. Even when they explain their expectations to
us, we do not value the same things they value. We do not react to situations the same way they do. And we
may disagree with their expectations and refuse to change. These differing expectations cause tension and
surprise in the relationship. Finally, each person realizes that the differences between them are more
important than they thought. And this leads to the next phase.

3. Reality phase

After the transition phase comes to reality phase. Each of us has unmet expectations. The stresses of life
become very real. We know there are things that need to change and so we try to change the other person.
When they resist that change, we experience disappointment and discouragement. We begin to wonder
whether we married the right person and if this relationship will ever be what we had hoped. Panic may set
in as we realize that we are locked into a relationship with a person who doesn't see everything like we do.
We wonder how long we can live with this person who does not meet our expectations and does not want
to change.

The rose-colored glasses have not only come off but often they are shattered as well. We finally see our
mate realistically. We are no longer willing to overlook everything and accept all the differences. We begin
to realize just how different we really are. We question whether we can change enough to make this
relationship work. And we debate within ourselves as to how much we are willing to change.

These first three phases are normal and natural as we learn to know each other better. It is impossible for us
to stay in the romance phase for the rest of our married life, as wonderful as we think that might be. But in
order to live life together, earn a living, parent children, and deal with all of life's responsibilities and
stresses, we must transition to the reality phase where we really know the other person, what their needs
are, and how we need to relate to them. If we are willing to make the necessary adjustments and
communicate deeply enough to compromise on how we will live together and relate together, we can have
a good and rewarding marriage. If we are unwilling to deal with the reality of who we really are and work
together to adapt and compromise, we will not have a rewarding relationship. And then our marriage will
naturally progress to the 4th phase.

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