Page 29 - Family Life Student Textbook

4. Retaliation

After the reality phase comes the retaliation phase if we allow the tension to
continue to build in our relationship. As each of us becomes more
disappointed and discouraged, resentment sets in. We decide that we're
sorry that we married this person. It becomes easy to blame all the
problems on the other person. “If only you would change, everything would
be alright!” “Why do you do things that way?” “Why do you always do that
when you know it makes me angry”? “You always do that… or… you never
do that!”

Thinking in this way leads us to become bitter. We start blaming the other
person for our unhappiness and we may even begin to blame God for bringing us into this relationship. We
lose hope that things will ever get better and so we begin to withdraw from our relationship with our mate.
We withhold love from them. We don't give them the same amount of attention as before. We begin to
pursue individual interests. Husbands pour all their energy into work and spend more and more time with
their friends. The wife pours all her energy into the children and spends more time with her friends. Instead
of spending time together this husband and wife are spending more and more time apart. They have given
up on enjoying each other. If this relationship is allowed to continue to deteriorate, then this will lead to the
final phase.

5. Rejection phase

In the rejection phase a husband and wife become emotionally separated. They no
longer look to each other for their fulfillment, their encouragement, or their support.
While they may be living in the same house, they are now living separate lives. They
communicate only enough to inform one another of their schedules. They may be able
to go to church on Sunday morning and put on happy faces to present the right
appearance, but in reality, this relationship is dying.

If this downward spiral is allowed to continue it will result in physical separation. There will come a time
when they are no longer willing to pretend in front of others, and they will conclude it is easier to just live
separately. They will justify their actions by thinking they're better off without one another. They justify this
break up in thinking that the children will be happier without the tension between mom and dad if they
divorce.

How did this relationship, which started out with romance, end up in death? By allowing the relationship to
deteriorate through the Retaliation phase and the Rejection phase this couple has sealed their fate. “Is there
any way to keep this from happening?” you might ask. Yes, there is!

Do you see why it is so important to understand these phases well enough to know where your relationship
stands? It is healthy to live in the reality phase. But we must learn to deal properly with our unmet
expectations, the stresses of life, and the struggles and disappointments in life. We need to learn how to
resolves these issues. We need to be committed to solve our conflicts so that we do not progress to the
retaliation phase. We will address resolving conflict in more detail in a later lesson.

If we understand that our relationship is beginning to transition to the retaliation phase, we need to declare
a crisis and work to solve it. We need to understand the seriousness of allowing our relationship to
deteriorate into the retaliation phase and rejection phase.

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