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effective to say something to the effect of: “I feel that my focus is on … (the
issue) … yet your priorities and interests seem to be elsewhere. Why don’t
you tell me what’s bothering you so that we can resolve it and get on with
our negotiation.” Where misunderstanding exists, you can work to

improve communication.

In many negotiations, each side explains and condemns at great length the
motivations and intentions of the other side. It is more persuasive,
however, to describe a problem in terms of its impact on you than in terms
of what they did or why: “I feel let down” instead of “You broke your

word.” If I can use the right method and manner in approaching you, we
can transform the shape of things to meet mutual needs, and both of us can
emerge satisfied.

In a confrontational situation, it is usually more effective to use questions

instead of statements. Statements generate resistance, whereas questions
generate answers. Questions allow the other side to get their points across
and let you understand them. They pose challenges and can be used to
lead the other side to confront the problem. Questions offer them no target
to strike at, no position to attack. Questions do not criticize, they educate.

Where interests are directly opposed, a negotiator may be able to obtain a

favorable result simply by being stubborn. That method tends to reward
intransigence and produce arbitrary results. However, you can counter
such a negotiator by insisting that his single say-so is not enough and that
the agreement must reflect some fair standard independent of the strong
will of either side. By discussing such criteria rather than what the parties

are willing or unwilling to do, neither party need give in to the other; both
can defer to a fair solution.

The most powerful position in dealing with people who try to intimidate
you is to stick to the fundamental issue. Keep your responses focused on
the issue based on its merits and the objective criteria available. Remind

the other party that you want an equitable solution.

David Kolzow 185