Page 36 - Like No Business I Know

King of the Franks

sandwich CheezWhip on white bread, a half-ounce vacuum-packed
cup of Fruity Sauce with a built-in spoon, and four Sweet’n’Fat
bakery-style cookies. Doesn’t hit all the major food groups, but the
kids do get a meal at home now and then.”
“Hmm.” Dr. Zephulkar frowned. “And do you, ah, sample your
own wares, Mr. Pepin?”
“Sample them? I design them. I invent them. I have a special
kitchen attached to my executive suite. Nothing goes out with my
picture on the label unless I have already eaten and approved dozens
of batches. I love my work, doctor.”
“Then you are not experiencing any high levels of stress on the
job? Your blood pressure needs to be explained.”
Russ Pepin pulled his pudgy features into a petulant scowl.
“I hate to admit it, but, all right, you’re a doctor and everything I
say is confidential, right?”
The cardiologist nodded gravely. “You have my oath.”
“I am the King of the Franks: sales figures confirm that fact. But
those numbers have been slipping. I’m getting sniped at from all
sides. First of all, the government! Telling people to cut down on red
meat! Why, pork is one of Nature’s perfect foods: every vitamin and
mineral, all the essential amino acids, piles of protein! Not to mention
the delicious flavor. If you didn’t add the nitrites you couldn’t
preserve that lip-smacking taste: it’s a small price to pay. And that
damned FDA is going after my industry because a few unethical meat
packers have been selling slaughterhouse sweepings stuffed in a skin
as sausage. Just because there aren’t enough inspectors, some people
are trying to take advantage. Not my fault. I pay plenty of taxes: ask
my accountants! So now the red tape is increasing, my costs are
escalating, and the negative P.R. is nonstop.”
Dr. Zephulkar nodded sympathetically.
“As if that weren’t enough to send me up the wall, all of a sudden
vegetarianism and animal rights are a big fad. I had some of my
Flavor Burst franks come back from a supermarket with stickers on
them—over my label, over my face!—saying ‘Save the Pigs.’ This is
outrageous, not to say anti-American! People are actually ashamed to
eat meat, can you believe it? Then it came to me: well, if you can’t
beat them, join them. I was all set to test-market some veggie dogs

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