Page 29 - Fables volume 1

How the Cats Took Care of Complaints

Bertrand didn’t quite catch the last thing Fiedler had said, and asked
him to repeat it. Fiedler laughed and blew another cloud of smoke in
front of him.
“That wasn’t English, Mr. Bertrand. But I get ahead of myself. Let
me begin at the beginning.” He stopped as he noticed Bertrand’s
somewhat apprehensive gaze following the cat out of the room.
“Please don’t mind Si Sawat; I know it seems a bit rude to walk out
like that, but I did ask her to run an errand for me.”
Bertrand fidgeted in his chair and clutched the folder on top of his
briefcase. My god, he thought; I’m dealing with a madman. I’d better
humor him a while, then get out of here and phone the—
Fiedler was talking again, in a soft voice punctuated by puffs of
smoke. “—and so, when Mrs. Oliphant died seven years ago, I was
hired by the estate in order to fulfil the terms of her will. She was very
specific in demanding a person who not only was a specialist in feline
lore and psychology—and who therefore would be an ailurophile—
but would also have no personal attachments and therefore be able to
devote a lifetime to the care and upbringing of cats in this county.
When I say upbringing, Mr. Bertrand, I am quoting Mrs. Oliphant’s
will: she had quite definite ideas about the way felis catus domesticus
should be educated into becoming part of our modern urban
existence. She deplored, on one hand, the abuse and maltreatment of
the myriad strays roaming the alleys and gutters; on the other, she was
outraged at the deadly dull existence suffered by pampered, overfed,
declawed, neutered and perfumed housecats never allowed outside
their owner’s apartment.”
“Few people know this, but one part of her fortune went for
research into a contraceptive that could be blended into commercial
cat food. I regret to say that the money was wasted by an
unscrupulous biochemist diverting it into developing a breath
deodorizer for dogs. I, however, took the commission seriously: first
to maintain an optimal environment for every homeless cat brought to
the foundation; and second, to continue the search for a way to
integrate cats into the twentieth century. As it happened, my own
personal plan of studies coincided with Mrs. Oliphant’s vision—at
least in its basic intent. Ah, here is one of our cats, Mr. Bertrand.
Now, tell me: does she look mistreated?”

28