Page 40 - Unlikely Stories 3

Cyberceutics Deletes Obsessogens with Ping-a-Ding

“I think I see what’s coming.”
“Only because I’ve already set the stage!” retorted Doctor, Sr.
“Exactly two years after the book and game, apparently unrelated
items—unless one looked carefully at the last name of the Doctor
responsible for them—a press release was published both online and in
the remaining print media of any substantial circulation: ‘Amazing
Discovery: Ping-a-Ding Can Delete Obsessogens.’ Now I donned the
robes of the learned philosopher-prophet-priest. In three brief
paragraphs I described how a young woman prone to paranoid
delusions had been practicing on Ping-a-Ding. After one such session
she realized one of her delusions had vanished, and could not attribute
it to anything other than a fortuitous erasure of an obsessogen by just
the right ping frequency in the right place. She had consulted many
specialists who considered her story just another delusion, but dear
Doctor Barfuss took her seriously and began a systematic investigation
of the phenomenon. He found that it was indeed possible to locate and
destroy obsessogens in this manner, the same way artillery fire or depth
charges ultimately find their target by zeroing in on it via repeated
shelling, each time using the feedback from the prior hit to get closer.
This Doctor Barfuss, the announcement concluded, had obtained
funding to systematize the process and relate it to specific disorders,
and would soon be making it available to the public.”
“Once whetted, the public appetite for the latest panacea grew
rapidly. When I judged that the psychological moment had arrived, I
offered a new product for sale: Cyberceutics. This is a plug-in or add-
on to Ping-a-Ding enabling the user to delete his or her own
obsessogens. It drove the guardians of psychiatry crazy—they
denounced it, but people began reporting success. They tried to sic the
FDA on me, to get a ban on the book, the game and/or the
cyberceutical attachment. As a Doctor of law, as it were, I knew they
couldn’t touch me: obsessogens had no existence, the game did nothing
but produce sonic illusions and Cyberceutics was just a third-party
attachment to a computer game; thus no illegality had occurred. As a
Doctor of divinity I also knew that I had made a successful end run
around the religious censors: they still have no clue that I am stealing
their clientele. Sales of all three items are brisk, and you can only buy
them from me. No discounts.”
Barfuss, Jr. gaped at his progenitor.

39