Page 41 - Unlikely Stories 5

UU

From Fantastic Transactions, volume 3 (2006)

At 7:15 a.m. Uriah Urquhart was pedaling rapidly on a stationary
bicycle in his basement gym. The door to the locker room burst open
and a short dumpy man in bright yellow sweat pants and a red and
green striped T-shirt tumbled into the room, stumbling over the
untied laces of his flashing purple oversized athletic shoes. The open
gym bag he had been carrying by one handle slipped out of his grasp
and arced ahead of him onto the mats, its contents spilling out.
Urquhart laughed hard enough to break his rhythm. “Neb, you’re
late! I’ve already worked up a sweat. Now you’ll really have to bust
your hump!”
The little man pouted and wobbled his wattles. “Urkie: please! I’ve
asked you a hundred times not to poke fun at my deformities. Can I
help it if I wasn’t born a big tall specimen of manhood like you were?”
“Ha! I’ll bet you’re the one who came out of the womb already
grown—the same size you are now. And I’ve told you a thousand
times not to call me ‘Urkie’.”
“Nyaah!” sneered Neb Scurry, picking up a shocking pink weighted
baton from his bag and twirling it as he hopped about in front of
Urquhart. “At least my mama didn’t try to abort me with a silver
spoon—you grabbed it out of your mama’s hand and stuck it in your
mouth!”
Uriah kept churning his legs while he dabbed at his brow with one
end of the towel draped around his neck.
“You’re going too far, Neb: leave my mother out of this. She is a
pure and saintly woman.”
“Not like those crazy feminists, eh? You know a bunch of those
baby-killers are going to have a big protest march out there today.”
“Oh, yeah?” said Uriah, frowning. “I hope they don’t get a lot of
press coverage. I heard that any publicity is good publicity.”
Neb tossed up the baton and spun around to catch it. But his
momentum was too great, throwing him off his feet and onto his
back. The glittering stick landed on his stomach.

40