Page 45 - Unlikely Stories 5

UU

“I’m nobody’s fool, you ought to know that,” replied Neb Scurry,
grinning widely and flapping his arms like a chicken.
“But I have a divine right—that’s what makes me right!” Uriah
punctuated each ‘right’ with a resounding jab.
“Sorry, Urkie: that gets circular in a hurry. Are you therefore divine
because you’re right? You would look a perfect fool if you followed
your conceit to its illogical and circular conclusion, down the slippery
slope to a reductio ad absurdum. Your friends and enemies would both
be appalled; then it would once again be time to laugh in public and
say you were only joking.”
“Aw, what the heck! You’re no fun!” Urquhart picked up a
medicine ball and hurled it at his companion. Neb took it in the gut
and fell backward.
“Ay-yi-yi, Urkie! You’ve given me a dose I can’t swallow! It’s killing
me!” Flat on his back, limbs flailing, he resembled a gigantic
cockroach with a rotting apple stuck in its abdomen.
Urquhart cracked up, slapping his knee and laughing raucously.
“See what you get for being a fat lazy little piggy! Any ten-year-old
girl could have caught that—yes, I could hear what you said before.
I’m not as deaf, dumb and blind as you think!”
“I do most heartily disagree, Mister Urquhart,” Nebuchadnezzar
said, regaining his feet with an exaggerated display of dignity and
returning to search his gym bag. “The average child is far more obese
than me, thanks to unremitting advertising for the ubiquitous fast-
food meals of trans fat and high-fructose corn syrup. You know what
to call an overweight middle-school student?”
“I don’t have to call them.”
Neb raised his arms and rolled his eyes heavenward. “Please, Urkie:
it’s a rhetorical question.”
“I never answer those. That’s why I pay for good legal advice.”
“No, just say, ‘No, I give up.’ What do you call an overweight
middle-school student?’”
Urquhart narrowed his eyes and stuck out his jaw. “I’ll never give
up! That’s a sign of weakness!”
“Lord, why do I bother? Now, see, Urkie, that’s another example of
a rhetorical question. I don’t really expect the Lord to tell me why I
bother.”

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