Page 42 - Unlikely Stories 5

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“Ow!” he cried, a wounded plush squeak-toy. “You know what I’d
do, Urkie? I’d tell everyone how much I respect a peaceful
demonstration, and then send in a few female undercover agents to
get violent in front of the cameras.”
“That’s a good one, Nebbie old boy!” Urquhart stopped pedaling,
dismounted and switched to an elliptical trainer. “Don’t tell me you
thought that up all by yourself.”
“Why, I am insulted, Urkie!” Scurry put down the half-pound
dumbbells he had been straining to curl. “You think any Ron, Dick or
Jerry could be that clever? I, Nebuchadnezzar P. Scurry, am leagues
ahead of them. Say, speaking of those nutcases in skirts, I had another
great idea: arrest a few hundred and send them to Alaska to work on
the pipeline!”
“Ah, that’ll never work, you idiot: women can’t do that kind of
labor.”
“But these broads can: they’re all lesbians, anyway. They won’t have
children and they don’t want anyone else to, either.”
Uriah Urquhart looked puzzled. “So, is that cheaper than bringing
in migrant workers from, uh, you know—“
“Latin America and South Asia, Urkie: you really should look at a
map some time. Yeah, well, you have a point: it’s expensive to keep a
prisoner alive, especially in a high-wage state like Alaska. Somebody
would have to research it, now that drilling is allowed in the Arctic
National Wildlife Refuge. Say, you know what they call those look-
alike butch lesbians in Alaska?”
“Come on, Neb: you know I’ve never been up there—”
“Clonedyke Annie!” squealed Scurry.
Urquhart stopped his cross-country skiing motion for a second.
“Oh, you mean—I think I get it. Ha-ha-ha-ha!” He regained his stride
immediately.
“Say, don’t you ever take a break, Urkie? You must be getting
winded.”
Uriah grinned. “Not a chance. I’ve been trying to tell you about the
benefits of extreme aerobics, my friend. It’s a natural high.”
“Well, I’m trying to keep up with you: look at me! I’m running in
place, going nowhere just like you—but I don’t need a flywheel. And I
don’t need to get high this early in the day: you’ve got an obsessive-

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