Page 193 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Chapter Thirty-Three

Can this really be happening? Divine intervention? I breathe
a sigh of relief and thank the heavens.
After tucking Hudson into our dark bedroom, I take a
cab to the Women’s Hospital. I am admitted and the pre-op
begins. All I can think is It’s almost over. All the weeks of worry,
stress, lies, hiding and fear of the unknown. The heavy breasts,
the morning nausea. The agony of travelling this road all alone.
I am starting to feel a glimmer of relief.
Perhaps I’m not really alone. There is someone - something
much greater, watching over me. God? My guardian angel? But
why?
I realize I don’t need to know all the answers today. I do
know, with great certainty, that this entire experience did not
unfold as it did by chance. I am being protected.
After the procedure, all the emotion that I have buried
bubbles to the surface. I am disgusted with myself. How did
I let something like this happen, especially while I am still
married? My crushing shame is covering me like a scratchy
horse blanket. All I want to do is hide. I want to hide from my
husband and our friends and the world. But mostly I just want
to hide from my own weakness, my own choice and my own
guilt. I promise myself I will just block this entire experience
from my psyche. If I am to survive, I must forget and move on.
The day after my abortion I fly out to Winnipeg to play the
opening of a new country music club. I dive right back into my
work, performing for three nights. The show must go on.
I am very thankful that I have these days to myself. The
club has put me up at a band house, only there’s no band in it.
They all live in Winnipeg so it’s just me. This gives me much
needed alone-time to pull myself together and muster up some
strength to face going back to Hudson. I’m exhausted from
all the lying. All the pretending. I am completely spent. This

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