Page 190 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

losing your mind? Do I need to check myself in somewhere?
I just don’t know how I’m going to continue to deal with the
extreme stress. The whole mess is traumatizing me.
I must move forward. I rebook with my doctor. I’ve made my
decision. At this time in my life, I don’t have any other choice
but to terminate the pregnancy. I have no desire to have a child
that will be subjected to my husband’s abusive behaviour – even
if I lie and say it is his. And the father of the child? That’s not the
right path either.
There is no way I could take care of a baby on my own. Right
now, I can barely take care of myself. My mind is made up. I
don’t receive any counsel, and my doctor never attempts to give
me any other options. She does not speak to me about adoption
or suggest I talk with someone else. Or maybe she does, and I
just don’t have the ears to hear her. Perhaps I’m so resolute I don’t
want to hear. All I can think is Get this baby out of me!
The timeline is becoming serious. Hudson goes everywhere
with me. And that includes today. I am booked for an ultrasound
to see exactly how far along I am. I have concocted a story that
I am suffering with ‘female issues’ and need to have a D&C.
This also helps me to keep his advances in check. I am lying so
often I’m almost starting to believe the lies myself. Any notion
of carrying a real baby that is forming fingers and toes and has a
heartbeat, is just not real to me.
The appointment is downtown and Hudson insists on
driving me. I am more than capable of driving, but he won’t
have it any other way. Panic sets in as I attempt to circumvent a
potential disaster.
“Why don’t you just stay in the van and wait. That way we
don’t have to worry about parking. I don’t think it should take
that long. I’m fine doing this on my own.” I am trying desperately
to keep my voice steady.

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