Page 186 - Reason To Sing by Kelita Haverland

Reason To Sing

some oats (wildly) and experience a lifestyle I have never
known. There’s a brazen freedom on this tour and my sexuality
oozes on and off the stage. I really let my hair down with
reckless abandon. I’m totally removed from any connection to
God, and I don’t care. If there’s ever a wave of self-doubt or
confusion, it’s quickly drowned with more shots of tequila, rum
or Grand Marnier!
I’m intrigued by the Holy sights we visit in Israel, including
Bethlehem, Nazareth, Garden of Gethsemane, the Sea of
Galilee and River of Jordan. However, my new wanton conduct
is a shameful distraction. I’m so busy being “free Kelita”
I miss out on the richness of the country’s religious history
and culture, including the birthplace of my Christianity. “Old
Kelita” does find her way back (for a moment) when we sing
“O Holy Night” in the church in Bethlehem where they say
Jesus was born. I am truly moved. Even though I am struggling
with my faith, my heart feels profoundly touched.
Being away from my husband during these tours gives me
time to gain courage and plan my getaway. As evidenced by my
freewheeling activities, it is pretty obvious our marriage is over.
As I party outrageously, I lose self-respect. But I keep crying
out for attention. Positive attention. I am continually searching
for love, affection and acceptance. Obviously, I’m a messed up
woman.
As the tour comes to an end, I embrace a new sense of
freedom. I have built up the courage to tell Hudson I want a
separation. A real one. Not like the time I left and flew out to
Calgary to stay with my sister. Or when I rented a room from
a friend in Toronto. No, I need a separation that is permanent.
Where I leave and don’t come back. I feel this might finally be
it. I believe I can be the strong woman I dream of becoming.
I arrive back home just in time for Christmas. The day

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